I don't know what it's been about the past couple days. But something inside of me is yearning.
I'm not really sure what I'm yearning for but I think it's something along the sense of belonging. Feeling that where I am that I'm wanted. Something that is the opposite of loneliness. I think I've found that in my life before. It's not quiet love. Not quite community. Just the feeling that everyone around you is in this together. People are on your side. When it's 3 am and our work is done no one goes to bed. When everyone lingers a little at the door because they don't want to leave. The times we did. The times we went. The times we saw. The times we conquered. Together.
Our lives are made up of many different circles that we naturally pull ourselves towards. Everyone just ends up together on a saturday night. Not because there were any specific plans, but because it just is. It just works. It is within these groups that we feel safe, we feel loved, we feel apart of something - even on the loneliest nights where we are just awake - we feel connected by this unspoken web.
The thing that scares me most is losing this. Things constantly change, we're never anywhere for long. We come and go as quickly as the tide - but there is always that sense that in the next phase there will be another circle because that is the way it is. It's the way it always has been, but what if suddenly it's not.
This can't be it?
I'm so young. nineteen years old. so young.
I have so much time.
For some reason I feel this unspoken idea that it's too late. I need to hurry up and move to the next phase of my life. Get my degree. Get married. Have it all figured out. I often think, "what if" What if I had taken that photography class in High School? Gotten into film sooner? What if I had more time to explore? Would my life be different? There's no way I could know now. I feel like some artistic creative side of me has been neglected and it's too late to begin exploring now. But that is a lie. It is never to late to begin.
When I first arrived in Provo, as it is when you arrive anywhere new, there was a sense of possibility. An undefinable potential energy, light floating waiting to be funneled in a single direction to form a powerful beam. It's easy to feel like some of that has slipped away. That I'm stuck on this path. Held here in a place that's not big enough to handle my dreams and ideas. But truth is I'm not. I can still do anything. I can be bigger than this town. I can change my mind. This idea that it's too late to do anything is ridiculous. I'm so young. I can't lose this idea - this sense that anything is possible, because really it's all I have for ideas to hang on and grow.
My potential to do great things in this world are endless. There will be times that are easier than others to make things happen. I promise I won't give up. I won't stop seeking connections, exploring my potential, and creating my world. A place where it's never too late for anything and everyone is wanted.
I have so much time.
For some reason I feel this unspoken idea that it's too late. I need to hurry up and move to the next phase of my life. Get my degree. Get married. Have it all figured out. I often think, "what if" What if I had taken that photography class in High School? Gotten into film sooner? What if I had more time to explore? Would my life be different? There's no way I could know now. I feel like some artistic creative side of me has been neglected and it's too late to begin exploring now. But that is a lie. It is never to late to begin.
When I first arrived in Provo, as it is when you arrive anywhere new, there was a sense of possibility. An undefinable potential energy, light floating waiting to be funneled in a single direction to form a powerful beam. It's easy to feel like some of that has slipped away. That I'm stuck on this path. Held here in a place that's not big enough to handle my dreams and ideas. But truth is I'm not. I can still do anything. I can be bigger than this town. I can change my mind. This idea that it's too late to do anything is ridiculous. I'm so young. I can't lose this idea - this sense that anything is possible, because really it's all I have for ideas to hang on and grow.
My potential to do great things in this world are endless. There will be times that are easier than others to make things happen. I promise I won't give up. I won't stop seeking connections, exploring my potential, and creating my world. A place where it's never too late for anything and everyone is wanted.
