Soundtrack: home. stolen. happiness. the whole summer playlist.
I don't even know where to begin.
maybe its the fact that I didn't think I would ever cry as hard as I have today in a long time. the last time I cried like this was april 29 when I found out maddux passed away.
coming down to provo was one of the hardest things I've ever done. not only did I feel so alone socially, I had no idea what I was doing. I was scared. I still am. I don't know what I'm doing. Doubt I ever will, this grown up thing is hard...anyways, the only person I knew was my brother. I was just coming out of my Senior year which was undeniably fun, but so hard, I just found it so difficult to really try to fit in. I dunno. It's hard to explain.
But I have time. And I don't feel much like sleeping right now.
Till this summer, I really haven't felt like I belonged anywhere. I have here and there but I've always been that girl who doesn't really care about the thoughts of others, but I still have this longing to fit in. I flit between social groups and I'm perfectly happy that way. I give love freely to those who need it, but sometimes I need it in return... I have best friends, but it's never been like gigi and ken were for me this summer. they were the best roommates I could have ever asked for, and more than chance brought us together. We needed each other.
We still do.
See when I'm with them I feel like I'm home. They truly connect with me. They made me feel so so so important, loved, needed, and safe. I knew and know that they will always be there for me when I need them. see the best part about this is we all came into each others lives when we needed it. we all were facing some rough stuff. i needed good friends more than anything. it all worked out for a reason. i've never been closer or wanted to get even closer with anyone in my life. we just. get each other. that's why this is killing me softly.
now gigi is going home for a couple months. i don't know what to do. where to turn. i don't have anyone to talk to here. cept kenny. we have each other. but everything is just so. different. "her bag is now much heavier, i wish that i could carry her. but this is our ungodly hour" -the fray. it's true. i feel like there is nothing i can do. nothing except hold her and pray for her.
i have so many songs running through my head right now. i want so many different things, for so many different people.
i have so many things running through my head.
so many beginnings.
so many endings.
i just need a hug. one with out an ounce of selfishness in it.
