Sunday, December 12, 2010

Life In Technicolor

Location: Mahhh roomm

Listening to: Sway -oh jazz music, the things you do to me

Avoiding: Just taking a break from calculus.

Life's a little crazy. A little fun. And can be a little awkward. Embrace those moments, laugh at them it's so much fun. I'm doing my own thing. I've never felt better. Loving my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. Nope, never.

This weekend has been spectacular. The passer by might think I'm a little silly for saying so, I didn't do anything extravagant. I just laughed till it hurt. Made some new friends, and I couldn't stop smiling. This weekend was an answer to prayers, the Lord is awesome like that. I'm glad he can make things happen in the way we need them too. It's amazing how he can let a couple people just come into your life and totally re-open your eyes. Ah, the tender mercies they're just grand.

Listen to Life In Technicolor by Coldplay. It's my theme song. Goes exactly with how I'm feeling. Love. Love. Love. Love it.

I'm just happy. So elated. Pure bliss :)




So glad It's finally snowing! well... sorta. but still :) :) Best Friday in a while. Thanks for the ice cream and laughs ;)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fundemental lessons

Location: Floor

Listening to: Music I love

Avoiding: Physics.lit.hw

I am me.

It's a simple statement, but I couldn't be happier any other way. I may be rather unconventional at times it makes me happy to be just that. That being said, I like to make people wonder. Many find me peculiar, but I don't think that's a bad thing. See, dear reader, I know what I know to be right, and I stand for that. I am what almost every other teens worst fear is. Myself. I it was Marinnane Williamson who so eloquently said;

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I especially like that last line. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. I've recently been sown by several different people the power I have with in myself to change lives. I hold these people near and dear to my heart. But really, Who are we NOT to be??? We all have so much potential so why not actualize it? Who cares if you've never played a new sport, why not try it? Who cares if a subject you love in school is considered nerdy? In fact, who cares who did what with who this weekend? NO ONE! Which is fantastic, because the only person that really does care is yourself - and if everyone is busy thinking about themselves well... i say put that aside for a few moments. Open your eyes to those around you. Give people compliments. Smile. Be Confident. Be you. and have no fear. Because strange as it seems, that confidence can be ground breaking. If you are yourself, people will want to be with you. Soon, you'll be talking to people you never even knew, helping others be confident in themselves also. People generally notice one of two things. Confidence or Arrogance; the two are often placed in the same category but are extremely different. One cannot exist with the other. Plain as light and dark. So let it be confidence. Surround yourself with people who build each other up. Don't let them drag you down, (although it will happen) continue to exhibit kindness and love - help them be confident.

If there's anything I've learned these past few years of high school it's that you can be the most confident person in the world, but there's always room to grow. You're going to feel under appreciated, but you won't remember those moments - all you'll remember is the days you had a smile on your face... so why not make them all that way? You're going to remember how it felt when he grabbed your hand in the hallway the first time, how embarrassed you felt when your silly video was played infront of the whole school. How content you felt at the end of Prom, that it all went smoothly. How nervous you were for your many firsts - first class, first date, first kiss, first game. How it was to be the new kid. How some days were just completely spontaneous. How one person of thing could make you smile for weeks on end. It's amazing. Enjoy it. It goes by way to fast, and it's a wild ride. Seek the adventure in everyday. Love who you are. You'll go far in this world.

I hope people will think of me, and a smile will come to their face.


TV Live :)


Spectacular day of shenanigans in the park!


Sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves, and when we spill our salad all over the floor while telling crazy stories.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Functions

Location: fluffy

Listening to: my heart.

Avoiding: one word. Roger.

I wish I had a more eloquent way with words.

Sometimes, I feel completely out of place. Like everyday. OR how I should be working on other things right now. But I just can't seem to focus. My mind keeps wandering to the things I've written about in the past few days that I should post.

Or I could be doing something that will actually get me somewhere in this life.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Science of Fear

Location: Atop a most comfortable mattress

Listening to: Temper Trap.

Avoiding: a lot.

I feel like I should have something to say. It's not a conceivable feeling. There is no onomatopoeia that I could write down that, you, the reader could understand.

It's been a year. In other cases a month. Much has changed. Much has happened.

I've been thinking about my passions. And how incredibly hard it is to put yourself down on paper in less than 500 words to be judged and scrutinized by people who are all about 50 years old. I'm just praying whatever the faculty at the high school sees in me is translated to the paper. I'm just being myself. I figure that's my best shot.

It's like they expect me to have my whole life figured out right now. There's no way. I have a mere 17 years of experience on this earth. If you could even call it that. I'm undeniably scared. But also excited at the thought of taking on the world. It's stressful. An adventure is waiting just around the corner. I don't know how anything is going to work. For now I just keep praying for guidance to make the correct decisions, and to be where I'm needed. I trust the Lord will provide. He does cool stuff like that :)

I have dreams. I will make them a reality.


I need to let people know I'm thankful more often. So let's begin here. I am thankful for you, dear reader. For taking a moment to see how I'm thinking. And for quietly understanding. It's appreciated.

and please.
Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. love me without restrictions. want me without demand. accept me the way i am.


and you.
you make the world beautiful just by living in it.


remember.
Smile.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Just know.

Location: Office

Listening to: Silence

Avoiding: . . . .



I am.

a horrible person.

please understand. I'm tryin'

but there's only so much I can do.

Please. Just take a moment to look and see.

My intentions are good. I love who you are. How bright your colors shine.

Know that I see it in you.

You have more potential then you'll ever know.

I am thankful for you.

I'm sorry if I don't always show it.

Love and friendship are verbs.

I'll try harder.

I promise.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Long overdue.

Location: Bedroom

Listening to: my screaming mind and heart. silence too.

Avoiding: the mind trap I'm in. and my calc hw. yuck.

This rant is long overdue.

Frankly, I'm just frustrated. I'm not mad. Not disappointed. Not discontented. Not anything. I am simply and wholeheartedly frustrated. It's the end of the quarter. I'm barley staying afloat. I'm kept awake by these thoughts that just torment me till I can't fight any longer. I'm haunted by my own past.

See, my first mistake was to think that this year was going to be any different then the last. Yeah I was right about it being different then the last as in it royally is sucking. I didn't intend for things to be this way. I've really tried to be positive about the whole situation I'm in. Still somehow they always turn out the same. My life is on replay and I don't know where the skip button is. For once I would like things to turn out in my favor.

See I'm always the one who comes off as, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm happy to be independent. And while this is true, and the male species as a whole [with few exceptions] are COMPLETE idiots.. at least in high school.. still, nothing feels so good as contact with another human being. Someone to hold you in their arms and tell you everything is going to be okay. A person who you trust more than anything else in this world, and they wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt you.

But I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

See, one thing about me is I don't require much validation. Generally I'm a very independent person and am happy with myself. And every once in a while, people come along, and I suddenly crave validation from them. See, I feel pretty comfortable with who I am, but I suppose I look for validation to make sure that I am. Because that's all validation really does, it's a conformation. The truth has to be there already or how else can it be confirmed? Validation can be positive or negative... or even a stamp.

So with these unrealistic expectations comes really, hardcore fish slap in the face disappointments. I'm tired of caring for people in such a way that gets me burned. I would drop the world for my friends. They know that. Each and every one of them knows just how much I love them. I tell them all the time. Somehow, I don't always feel the favor is returned. I trust without question until they give me a reason to question that. I love people unconditionally. [well at least I really try hard to] but the thing is, I feel like I would give so much more to these people then they would ever give to me. And it hurts. I really does. I was born with the tremendous need to give love, but along with that come a tremendous love to receive it. One can only give so much with out being replenished. It's a simple cycle that theoretically should complete its self. If you know where the clog is, please let me know. Hopefully we can remove the whore.

I'm sitting here ranting about stuff that very few are ever going to read. I'm sitting here screaming. But it's like I can't shout loud enough. I'm tired of being where I am... on the sidelines.
I'm just tired of this. Simply tired of the mind trap. Everywhere I turn there's traces of things that I wish I could forget. I don't understand why my life is on replay with different characters. Maybe there's lessons I still need to learn. But I'm simply tired of the hell at the expense of others. Yet, these emotions spark creativity beyond my wildest dreams, but at no simple cost. I often wonder what it would be like, to not feel. would it be worth giving up these times of heart wrenching, soul tearing, intensity but have to miss out on the moments of sheer joy. Of complete and utter contentment. of the feeling of the sun on my skin? I don't know. I don't think it would be. To lose all creativity and joy to save yourself from a little suffering. It's not worth it. Nope, because I cherish those simple joys with everything I have.

I suppose it's times like these where faith really is tested. I am blessed. I really am. I should be more thankful. I'm working on that.

On a positive. I'm not as worried about lacrosse... at least someone believes in me...

I miss my best friend. everyday.




I'm feeling like I don't know you, tell me that you love me, then cut me down, i need you like a heart beat, but you know you got a mean streak... yes, I remember what you said last night and I know that you see what you're doing to me. tell me why.... yeah, I got no one to believe in, tell me that you want me then push me around.... I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know. Thank you, Taylor swift for writing about my life. Because that describes PERFECTLY what happens. every. freaking. time.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Secrets...

Location: Office

Listening to: 500 days of summer

Avoiding: sleep...


I've been thinking. About secrets.

We all have them, but what makes some statement of our intentions, feelings, or the truth worthy of these barriers? Why are we so afraid? It's because it makes us vulnerable, we let down all defenses. More often then not we don't tell the people we love the most these secrets, because, let's face it, those we love have the most power to hurt us.

See, that's where trust comes in. Trust in friendship/love/any relationship (whatever you want to call it) is imperative. See, I trust people until they prove that trust can't be there. Some may disagree with this, and I will admit, I have crashed and burned because of it every so often. Yet, it usually plays in my favor. Still, it brings me back, those we love and those we trust have the most power to hurt us because they can judge us. The way I see it, when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does no
t think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does, that is real friendship and love right there.

So why is it so hard to open up? Why do we fear people getting in side our minds? I would venture to say that the issue will just keep circling to the same point. . So let's try and not judge what others are facing. I've been working hard on not being judgmental for awhile. I'm not perfect, I'm working on it, but then again, who is perfect? But I'm not perfect, I'm afraid as any of you are.

We all have secrets, what's yours?

my secret? ask. maybe i'll tell.

Monday, October 4, 2010

blarrrggghhh

Location: Office, which is conveniently located inside, when i want to be out.

Listening to: 10,000 Maniacs

Avoiding: Waiting for this lightening and thunder to pass. i should be doing Homework.

It's Monday afternoon. It's raining... now, there is one thing you must understand. Normally I would be quite content with this fact, however at the moment it's becoming a rude annoyance. There's really one thing that I want to go do right now. That would be run. I just need to think some things through. You know, pound out like 7 miles. I'd feel much better after. Alas, I need to wait for this stupid thunder and lightning to pass.

Basically there are two schools of thought.
I could take my chances and just word vomit here on the inter webs and have it come back to kick me in the face,
OR I can keep my mouth shut which is incredibly hard to do right now because inside, i'm raging, raging, simply ENRAGED. bummer. looks like it's letting up outside.

positive thoughts.

p.s. for those of you who care, I can't wait for this weekend. I smile just thinking about it :)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No need for the heroic...

Location: floor

Listening to: The occasional murmur from my sleeping sister

Avoiding: I really just needed a break from HW.

I truthfully am happy.

I will say that.

My mind keeps wandering. I can't focus on the task at hand. I could write about a lot of things. This is on my mind though...
It's like I never really said goodbye to him. We just uttered our silent hopes into the air as we embraced. A tears streaming down cheeks. Knowing that we'll still be friends. It wasn't goodbye. Only a temporary parting.

I could continue, say lots of things. But for now, I'm an ever evolving character of my own story. I suspect my words will change as I grow, they already have.

I know I'll get it right one day.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Slightly Random

Location: Atop a bunk bed

Listening to: Indie radio, such a hipster, I know... only not really

Avoiding: much needed sleep


Much has happened.

I don't even know where to begin. I need to have a serious heart to heart with someone. Alas, it's almost 2 am. Anyone I would want to have this conversation with is dreaming sweet dreams in their dorm rooms.

Thoughts.

There is a little mystery behind every face, every hello, and every goodbye. Personally, I don't believe in goodbyes. They just aren't real to me. It hasn't hit me yet that I could be saying goodbye to one of my very best friends in the next 48 hours for who knows how long?

I like fall. Everything, and everyone just feels so... ALIVE. and I absolutely love it :)

I'm a firm believer in letting people know (especially those far away, or you haven't talked to in a while) that you are thinking of them. I like to write letters and send them. There's just something about the mail.

I know people are intimidated by me. I know what I want in life (getting there's half the battle) I've been reasonably successful with in my high school career. I try my best to be kind, smile, and let people know they're cared for (and not i'm not perfect at any of these... but i'm trying) Sometimes I wonder if it can be hard to be my friend, but at the same time, it's weird to be so known by so many people but sometimes feel so lonely. But I'm not asked out, ever. And it seems like anyone who cares gets snatched away. High school is dumb. A little over rated. It shouldn't matter, but I'll be honest, sometimes it hurts more than anyone can know. As silly as this sounds, girls need to hear you're beautiful instead of you're hot. I can count on one hand the guys who have called me beautiful, who have loved me for me. Girls same goes for you, I think we need to tell the guys that they are gentlemen. Call it old fashioned, but it's something I believe in.

really really random thought.... but you know when you have those days when you're getting ready for bed, and you just look nice. Especially your hair, like it's not bad or average looking, it's just nice. Sometimes I just wish I could freeze my hair like that and put it on every day with no effort. Because who says tomorrow my hair won't set on fire and fall out? (okay a little ridiculous, I know... forgive me. It's 2 am) However, So it is with life. I find it funny that we spend more time remember the "bad hair days" as opposed to the good ones. So from now on I just want to learn lessons from the bad ones, and remember the good days because these past two days haven't been to bad. :)

And you know. Maybe our fairy tales and happily ever afters aren't going to be picture perfect, or even what we imagined. But I wouldn't trade this fairy tale I'm living for anything.

I'm also always down for a good blanket fort. I know what I'm doing tomorrow afternoon.

Monday, August 23, 2010

endings, beginnings, pages, chapters, ect.

Location: My wonderful bed

Listening to: The best Pandora play list ever.

Avoiding: being productive.

School starts in two days. I have essay(s) to finish, things to do. Let's be frank... none of this is going to get done until Wednesday night at about... ohhh say, eleven pm. Procrastination how I love thee. But in all fairness I'm doing pretty good. I actually read both books and EVEN annotated, that is a big deal for me. I have written one essay, but the other is nonexistent. So far. Enough about school.

Summer has be absolutely splendidly fantastic. I've played way to much lacrosse, ran lots of xc, learned more about myself, endless nights at the park, and more. I'm sitting here in my room, looking at my wall which is covered in pictures. They're all perfect snapshots of memories that bring a smile to my face whenever I need it. There's pictures of people who love me, who I love, and things I never want to forget. One that I recently just printed off is a picture of some of my very best friends at prom. I look at it and smile because we are all rather unconventional which makes me love them even more. This picture was taken to be sent to a man by the name of L Tom Perry. Are we all posing nicely? negative. I'm being typical me- mouth open laughing my head off. Kels is in the the front striking some ninja pose and everyone is just... themselves. That's what I love. This summer we've gone on adventures, had dress up parties, photo scavenged, spent more than enough time in the new Micheal's, pulled shenanigans, boated way to much, and made simply amazing memories. I live for summers. And while this may be the last summer of being a "child" ever, I'm perfectly content with how everything happened. I don't want it to end, but it must.. and that means goodbyes. I don't want to say goodbye to everyone. Only because I don't believe in goodbyes. Sadly there's this thing called college and it's eating all my friends. If you see it, I suggest you run away... and direct it back towards me to eat me too.

I'm sitting here musing over nothing and I realize how blessed I really am. One more year. I'm ready. It's not going to be a cakewalk, but I'll make it. I'm entering with confidence and excitement for what is yet to come. Who knows where I'll be in a year. I'm excited to find out & I'm looking forward to the adventure.


This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
- Regina Spektor

Saturday, August 7, 2010

It's a long shot

Location: house. hallway. floor.

Listening to: Waking Ashland & Death Cab

Avoiding: waiting for something that isn't happening tonight

I'm being held back by bounds I can't control. Invisible chains. I want to be reckless, be free, be anything. I want to love like I never have before. I want to feel with such passion that I can't even see straight- that all I can do is smile.

bring it on senior year. bring it on.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I think...

Location: Office

Listening to: Eric Hutchinson

Avoiding: The Great Gatsby

Summer is super. I've been thinking, heard some people think aloud. Here's a few for ya.

-They say you're sent here to earth to do so many things, I'm so far behind I'll never die -- Grandpa

-Many of us do receive blessings in disguise. Sometimes, such horrible, horrible disguise.

-As you get older, it is harder to have heroes; but it's sort of necessary.

-When was the last time you did something for the first time?

-Do you have to stop when you are backing up through a stop sign? [best friends ever.]
Visual Puns make me giggle.




I need a new theme song... for life.

the end.


for now.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Word Vomit

Location: Stiff chair

Listening to: Jack Johnson

Avoiding: What ever one avoids at 1:17 am.


So here comes the word vomit... sometimes, things just come out... and actually make sense. I don't want to complain. Because complaining on blogs seems rather cliché. Although, I am a culprit. So can I gripe? State issues? Say what's on my mind? Can I do it with out being cliché? I could try. I'll also be two times as likely to mess this all up. But I suppose everyone deserves their place to display what they have and leave it to the critics to tear apart. I don't even know where I'm going with this. My mind just flows. I'm constantly growing and changing. I try to understand and learn from life a little more each day... so, my mind keeps being reorganized and renewed with the current of day to day life. Maybe this is the adventure in life, just trying to get it right. It doesn't always go the way we plan, so we go back in our heads and re work everything, re define, re adjust... after this is done, well, we find out who our real friends are. The ones who help you through whatever "re" process, and watch you stumble, but still help. They give us a safe place to figure everything out, to talk to. Actually, seems we feel loneliest when we don't have anyone to talk to about our new ideas. My best friends, well, their those who listen, let me laugh, let me talk, let me smile when it's ridiculous, they still love me as I re think me. I miss some of those people. Terribly. They're far away.. I'm re thinking/defining/adjusting me right now. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Frozen things they all unfreeze.

Location; a clean desk.

Listening to; summertime :) playlist.

Avoiding; Packing

I'll make this one a quickie. Seeing as I still need to pack and check off 1298675 things to do before I go to bed. And no, I do not regret the choices I made today to cause all this "to do" stuff to be pushed back to now.

1) Sometimes I look at people, and what they say, and I really just wish I knew exactly what they meant. I want to decode them sometimes. As weird as that is. Reading minds would be nice. I mean, (I know I'm a culprit...) ambiguousness would be a nice thing to rid the world of.

2) I miss my best friend.

3) Katie gets here in approx. 13 days. David in 11. :D

anddd
4) It's summer!!! Hallelujah. life is basically, cross country, lax, work, and playing outside in the glorious sunshineee (: I L-O-V-E loveee it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

a series of -ings

Location: the deck.

Listening to: Josh Ritter

Avoiding: Bordem... all my friends are sleeping or elsewhere.

Fact: school is out.
Fact: seniors are graduating.
Fact: I am NOT.

Part of me isn't ready to accept this. Part of me is. And part of me knows it has to happen. They say that we lose the ones we love, just to understand with a greater depth how much we really love them. I'm going to miss each and everyone of you. I love you- with everything I have.


Kinze

Girls night with the VN :)

I love you chloe. sisters

"Keltz"

Jess

Dixon

3 generations... straight up.

Best friends (:

Love you forever ky.

Mitchell (:

Erika!



Sunday, May 16, 2010

504 hours and counting

Location: Office

Listening to: Piano Classics.

Avoiding: the end.

Seeing as it's Sunday night, and all my friends are either consumed with homework, with their families, or just can't talk. So tonight- good ol' blogger.com is my friend.

It's the beginning of the end.

I just attended seminary graduation, and it's weird. Tonight it hit me. Everyone is going to be going their separate ways in three weeks and I'm still going to be here with another year of high school left. It was weird sitting on a bench all alone watching them all get their diplomas.[there were a few tears in my eyes] Just weird. The end will come inevitably. There is no denying it. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I am going to simply party it up these last couple of weeks with them and even during the summer when they are around, and who knows there will probably be some crazy stuff that's going to go down in Provo next year. But needless to say, I will miss each and everyone of them in a different way. It's hard to imagine high school without them. All of my friends have had a profound influence in my life that I am eternally grateful for. All I can hope for now I that they don't forget me [i don't think any of them will] and make the most of the time I have left.
Here's to each and every on of you. To CHLOE for being my sister and giving me the best advice when I need it. To KYLIE for just being crazy with me and loving me just the way I am. no matter what. To TYLER VALE for being one of the best friends I have, and keeping me sane. To KELSSE for all the laughs and understanding my innate need to be loud. To MITCH for all the car rides, advice, good memories, laughs, "the staff", and just being my brother. To ERIKA for all the crazy adventures to the hot potts, girls nights, being top secret, and hanging with A.Smith. To NATHAN for being as level headed as he is-and playing the piano at our demand. To KINZIE for being my buddie in seminary (it was the best even when it was hard) and being a nerd with me to go hang out with our leaders, and all the crazy girls nights that we just sang Taylor Swift ate food and laughed for hours on end. To DIXON for being the sweetest, most innocent, caring, trustworthy, lovable girl I know and for being spontaneous with me and always making me smile. I love each and every single one of you with my whole heart. I feel and am simply privleged to have you in my life. I cannot even express how much I love you all, and this post doesn't even suffice. I have something special in mind. And for now, we party like this isn't ever going to stop. Becuase as brandnew says "We'll stay eighteen forever. so we can live like this forever." I love you all. Goodnight.

An Addition

Location: The desk.

Listening to: Clair de lune. among other classics. i love the piano.

Avoiding: Reality.

Here's another little thing on optimism to consider. I will say no more, because President Hinkley words it so much more eloquently then I do-but it's exactly what I would have liked to say. Enjoy.

Gordon B. Hinckley, “Words of the Prophet: The Spirit of Optimism,” New Era, Jul 2001, 4

"I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight."

There never was a greater time in the history of the world to live upon the earth than this. How grateful every one of us ought to feel for being alive in this wonderful time with all the marvelous blessings we have. … And on top of all that is the Restoration of the gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ with all of the keys and authority, with all the gifts and blessings, with all the organization and doctrine of all previous dispensations all brought into one. And you and I are partakers of that marvelous restoration (from Church News, Aug. 14, 1999, 7).

I see so many good people everywhere—and there’s so much of good in them. And the world is good. Wonderful things are happening in this world. This is the greatest age in the history of the earth. …

We have every reason to be optimistic in this world. Tragedy is around, yes. Problems everywhere, yes. … You can’t, you don’t, build out of pessimism or cynicism. You look with optimism, work with faith, and things happen (from Ensign, June 1995, 4).

Truth will triumph

I suppose you have heard the story of the absent-minded professor who went shopping and lost his umbrella. Discovering his loss, he retraced his steps. At the first three stores on which he called, the clerks denied having found his umbrella. At the fourth store the clerk handed him the missing umbrella. He grumbled, “Thank goodness for an honest man. The other three told me they didn’t have it.”

I am inclined to think that notwithstanding the gains we see in the work of the Lord, notwithstanding the reformation we see in the lives of many people, we are prone to emphasize the problems and disregard the progress.

I [am] an optimist concerning the work of the Lord. I cannot believe that God has established His work in the earth to have it fail. I cannot believe that it is getting weaker. I know that it is getting stronger. …

I have a simple and solemn faith that right will triumph and that truth will prevail. I am not so naive as to believe there will not be setbacks, but I believe that “truth crushed to earth will rise again” (from Improvement Era, Dec. 1969, 97–98).

Be happy

I have a great and compelling sense of gratitude and optimism about the youth of the Church. In saying this, I do not wish to imply that all is well with all of them. There are many who have troubles, and many who live far beneath the high expectations we have concerning them.

But even considering these, I have great confidence in our young people as a whole. I regard you as the finest generation in the history of the Church. I compliment you, and I have in my heart a great feeling of love and respect and appreciation for you (from New Era, Sept. 1993, 4).

I have little doubt that many of us are troubled with fears concerning ourselves. We are in a period of stress across the world. There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you. Do not let the prophets of gloom endanger your possibilities (from Ensign, Apr. 1986, 4–5).

The Lord has said: “Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou hast made” (D&C 25:13).

I believe He is saying to each of us, be happy. The gospel is a thing of joy. It provides us with a reason for gladness. Of course there are times of sorrow. Of course there are hours of concern and anxiety. We all worry. But the Lord has told us to lift our hearts and rejoice. I see so many people … who seem never to see the sunshine, but who constantly walk with storms under cloudy skies. Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine (from Ensign, Nov. 1984, 91–92).

The good news

Let us not partake of the negative spirit so rife in our times. There is so much of the sweet and the decent and the beautiful to build upon. We are partakers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The gospel means “good news!” The message of the Lord is one of hope and salvation! The voice of the Lord is a voice of glad tidings! The work of the Lord is a work of glorious accomplishment!

In a dark and troubled hour the Lord said to those He loved: “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).

These great words of confidence are a beacon to each of us. In Him we may indeed have trust. For He and His promises will never fail (from Ensign, Apr. 1986, 6).

Be positive

I am asking that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we “accentuate the positive.” I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his course.

What I am suggesting is that each of us turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom we associate, that we speak of one another’s virtues more than we speak of one another’s faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my father would say: “Cynics do not contribute, skeptics do not create, doubters do not achieve (from Ensign, Apr. 1986, 2–4).

Let us go forward in this glorious work. How exciting and wonderful it is. I do not know how anybody can feel gloomy for very long who is a member of this Church. Do you feel gloomy? Lift your eyes. Stand on your feet. Say a few words of appreciation and love to the Lord. Be positive. Think of what great things are occurring as the Lord brings to pass His eternal purposes. This is a day of prophecy fulfilled, … this great day in the history of this Church. This is the day which has been spoken of by those who have gone before us. Let us live worthy of our birthright. Keep the faith. Nurture your testimonies. Walk in righteousness, and the Lord will bless you and prosper you, and you will be a happy and wonderful people (from Ensign, Aug. 1996, 61).

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The optimist

Location: Ze office

Listening to: She & him

Avoiding: CALCULUS. multiple choice is the vain of my existence.

today, children, we talk about optimism.

I have been recently told that "my optimism button is stuck in the on position." According to this person, I am what they like to call a "Blind optimist." I do believe this to be quite the contrary.

Optimism is defined by Websters as, an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions or events or to anticipate the best possible outcome. Some may say that this is simply done by ignoring the problem. That my friends is foolish. I would agree that blind optimism is not the right way to go about your problems. However, there is nothing wrong with being positive- which I do believe I have come to have a very good grip on.

I would call myself an optimist. And I'm not ashamed of that. When I have problems, I don't automatically think, "well this is never going to be fixed." or some other negative-straight-to-jail-do not-pass-go thought. I don't intentionally seek out bad situations. Rather, I assess the situation, and try to take the least negative route of dealing with the problem. And sometimes, the only thing you can do is hope for the best and push forward and take what comes your way in stride. Not to say that things don't bother me, they do. I, like any other person, have ups and downs, but how I deal with them is the biggest difference. It is said that optimism is a learned trait, as is pessimism. It has largely to do with environmental factors. Put simply, optimists emerge from difficult circumstances with less distress than that of pessimists. Even research has shown that optimists seem intent on facing problems head-on, taking active and constructive steps to solve their problems; pessimists are more likely to abandon their effort to attain their goals.

I may color my thoughts with the brightest of hues, and you may call me ignorant and annoying but it's not going to change anything. This is who I AM. I am an optimist. I am positive. I am colorful. I am complex. I am NOT ignorant. I will always shine, weather you like it or not. But sometimes, we just have to accept people as they are. I am learning every day. There is nothing wrong with being positive. Nothing wrong with wanting to do good. Nothing wrong with being me. Colorful. Loud. Optimistic. Outgoing me. Don't hate me for it. Learn to love it.

I can't help but have personality.

It's too much fun.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A thought... or two.

Location; oficina

Listening to; She & Him (loveee) (and the rain outside :) )

Avoiding; blahhh. everything.

So, I've been thinking, suprise right? Anyways, I just can't help but notice that facebook sometimes puts me in a most unnecessary mood. Perhaps it's time to give it up. Eh, what am I thinking... I most likely wont. I talk to way to many people.... but sometimes, I log on, see things and just get, well, irritated. Simply that.

In other news. It's raining :) I love the smell. How everything looks after. Being in it. Just watching it. The rain can fix any situation. Well, most of them. It's not going to lighten my work load. I better go start on everything... it's going to be a late night. I can already tell.

oh, ps. this is for... you know who you are... Optimism is not the result of blinding oneself to problems. But always believing there is a solution.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Forward Motion

Location: Amidst many notebooks on the floor.

Listening to: Regina Spektor

Avoiding: The fact that AP tests are in 2 weeks.

I make mistakes, it's what I do. I speak with out thinking. I act with out knowing, but when I say, I'm sorry, it's said with all my heart. I'd give anything. and I love with all I have. God knows I mean well. It's days like today, when I let my mind wander too far. I look at something, and the lighting is just right, or the breeze blows a certain way, and memories come flooding back to me. I really wish there was a pause button on life. I suppose that's what pictures are for. However, if there was a pause button on life, and I could keep moving with those that I wanted and everything else stopped I wouldn't waste my time doing something silly like sleeping, or getting what I needed done, no, I would spend it in perfect serenity with those who I love and care about most. I would smile. I would climb mountains. I would let the breeze flow through my hair. I would dance. I would sing. I would explore. I would talk. I would love. I would not have a care in the world. No limits. The world wide open. How incredible would that be, to just be free. Not to say that these things can't be done, but we're working against the clock. Grasping every moment with one another. Time just keeps speeding up. It's never slowing down. Often days, even weeks, will run together. Nothing alters our course. But when it does. We thrive. We live. We laugh. We cry. Most importantly we love.

in the end, we're all just taller children.

P.S. Here is something funny and ironic. According to our lab in chemistry the other day it takes less energy to disassociate then to neutralize a particle of something. Could this be true with people too? Just a thought. haha.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Happy Winter Break! Wait...?

Location; my mothers (chaotic but organized) desk.

Listening to; Play list entitled "Milo." [katie clark, you understand.]

Avoiding; The daunting task of putting my sheets on.


It's snowing. It's spring break. There is 3 feet of fresh snow on the ground. Welcome to Utah.

So until yesterday, I had forgotten what it was like to get numbed at the dentist. Can I say. HA-larious. All I know is that they gave me 6 shots of novacaine total and I couldn't feel a thing. Let alone control my face for the next fourish hours. Trying to eat was the funniest thing anyone had seen all day. Lets just say I provided this afternoons entertainment to my mother. And then got some new jeans out of it. Score.

Also, today, I went skiing. It was so beautiful. Exceptional day. Somehow I managed to eat it hardcore. I got sucked under a tree (super sketch) and then after I climbed out, about 10 turns later I faceplanted. Never have I wiped out that badly in all my years of skiing. I could do nothing but sit there and laugh...and dig my ski out of the waist deep snow. It was simply spectacular.

That's my story. Everyone is out of town. So it's really boring. Rachel turned twelve yesterday. Weirrdddd. However, it is neat for her.

Anyways. I've started this ongoing list in my notebook that I carry around all the time. (it's got some sweet personality in it) because hey, never good to be caught with out a pen and paper when a brilliant thought comes. Cameras are nice too. Moving on-- So this list is a list of things that make life worth it.
Here is the beginning--
Sunshine. Grass. Smiles. Swings. Bare feet. Lacrosse. PC hill. Music. Love. Boating. Giggles. Dancing. Rain. Jokes. Tuna fish. Midnight Wendy's runs. Bananas. Camp. Endless summer nights. Waves on the beach. Art. Disney movies. Road trips. learning. Drawing. Frozen Yogurt. Falling asleep in someones arms. Driving with the windows down. Powder up to your waist. Ninjas. Hugs :) PB&J. Sandals. SYC. High fives. Movie marathons. Trampolines. Capture the flag. Climbing a tree- then sitting in it. Adventures. Chemistry. Sunsets & Sunrises. Roofs. Watching the world. Loving more. The trifecta. Book stores. Independence. Fall. Hot potts. Vintage Clothes. Smiling till it hurts. Make believe. A first love. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Andy Warhol. Having someone tell you, you're beautiful. Friends. Overhearing something nice about you. Making food. Holding hands with someone you care about. Ski ball. Knowing somebody misses you. Making memories. NY cousins. Camp. Food fights. Perfect Joys. Playgrounds. Polaroid cameras. The DI. Dollar theater. Writing. Strawberry banana shakes. Ben Folds Five. Piano. Pinkney's room on Fridays. Concerts (esp @ kilby court)

I could go on. However, I'll save more for later :)

"There is nothing more truly artistic then to love people." -Van Gogh. [i try to.]

Sunday, March 28, 2010

spɹɐʍʞɔɐq pooʇsɹǝpun ʎןuo sı ǝɟıן

Location; the blissful sunshine on the floor of my room


Listening to; the temper trap. (could listen to them forever)


Avoiding; thoughts of school tomorrow, ie. chem, lang, calc...



yet, it must be lived forwards.

Third quarter just ended [thank heavens] I only have five more quarters of high school...weird... but awesome. I can't wait. All nostalgia aside, the past and future kind, I learned a lot this quarter. Not everything was a lesson I necessarily wanted, yet, I needed them. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do, as does everyone, but then you look back and see why. It's like in those movies when the protagonist finally understands why they lost their love. Or why everything fell into place the way it did. Those moments that pulled trigger, replayed in one giant montage in their haid. [this is when a pensive would be handy]

I love to watch people. According to some, I'm a slight creeper. But human interaction fascinates me. You can learn so much from someone just by watching them interact with others from a distance and then comparing it to how they interact with you. It's amazing how you can either spot inconsistincies, or see that they really are a genuine person just by watching and listening when you are with others. Baffels me really. Occasionally I really want to see inside someone elses head. I want to know what they are thinking. See how they understand the world. Just see how they go from one point to the next. That would be the coolest thing ever. Quite the learning tool.

. . . anyways. Occasionally we learn truths that are bitter, but no surprise. And those suck. Not going to lie. Especially when you already had an idea about it, but had so much hope for things to be the other way-- and when the person doesn't even have the guts to tell it to your face. Freak. I'd much rather hear it to my face, because then I know that I'm at least worth the truth. Meh, that's done. I can't change what people think about me. And at one point or another, you have to be okay with that- because it's high school; and high school is overrated. The only thing that I have to be satisfied with is to know that I did everything in my power to make things correct and be a good person. Others have to come and meet you somewhere. There is a point where you just gotta leave the olive branch there, and move on. It's not worth my time and energy anymore when I just keep getting slammed against walls. I'm gone. . . tangent. Apologies.

As for learning lessons--yeah, these are just random lessons I've learned. And want to share. Sorry for the jumpiness... maybe you'll find something you're looking for :)

For lax, our motto this year is a quote by Dan Green [neat guy, go read his books.] "Regardless of what came before or what has yet to come, what matters most right now is how i choose to respond to the challenge before me. Will I lie down or will I fight? The choice is MINE and i choose to FINISH STRONG!" Words to live by, not only in a game but in life. <3

Do things that make you happy. Document them in photos or writing, put them on your wall or somewhere you always look. So then when people do stupid things, you have something amazing to look back on.

Sometimes, we have to forget about how we feel, and remember what we deserve. Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well.

True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.

You never have to have a reason to smile, but you always have to have a reason to frown (thanks rach)

I read a book called looking for Alaska, by John green, go read it. Favorite book ever. The whole book is centered around the great question, "How will we ever get out of this labyrinth?". I love this quote, "Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. . . you spend your whole life stuck in this labyrinth, thinking how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining the future is what keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future as a means to escape the present." . . . the way out is to forgive.

In other news.
I'm starting in lax :D Wahooo! I'm glad all my hard work is finally paying off. It feels so good. And I love playing with the girls!

I love them. So much.

Also, I really hope I get asked to Prom [by someone that wouldn't be completley awk...] For now, we wait.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Digging Deeper

Location: The swivel chair in the office

Listening to: Foo Fighters and such

Avoiding: That's a good question. Homework? frustration? people? all of the above?


Oh today, today, today. It's been interesting. I've hit that point that I've been playing lacrosse so hard, staying up so late, and getting up so early (we're talking 4 hours of sleep...) I'm slightly past tired and on the verge of delusional. Cool.

I just drove the canyon way to fast, with the music way to loud, but it felt so good. I don't want to complain about being frustrated. I don't want to get angry at anyone. So driving is good, except road rage is bad. But I will say this about lax...

We have started games, and in Vegas we really gelled together. Tuesday we fought with all we had in some of the hardest elements to play the game in; pouring rain and slightly above freezing temperatures. We played with heart and came out on top. Today, people were lazy. For some reason I was started in Vegas-- and now for some reason I'm not. Not to say I'm not playing at all, I am in a lot... but I want to know why. I feel like I give it my all in practice everyday. I'm fighting so hard for that spot and they are giving it to some girl who is half ***ing it down the field. I just want to ask them what I need to do. They tell me to dig deep, and I am, I'm digging so deep. Giving it my all. Never giving up on a play. Playing with heart. Playing because I LOVE THE GAME. I don't know what else to focus on. It's like even though I'm playing good body, keeping on my toes, keeping the girl out from scoring, repossessing the ball, playing game speed all the time- even in practice it's not enough. Will it ever be enough? What will it take? How much harder am I going to have to fight? I'll just keep pushing.

In other news
I have the best leaders in the world. I may not always like my ward the best just because of the awkward situations of age. But I will say, I am beyond lucky, so blessed, to have some of the adults that I do in my life. I think they know who they are. I aspire to one day be like them, in my own way. I love them, I love them, I love them so so so much. Here is a word of wisdom that I got from one last night--- "You will always have good and bad days.... make the best of it while you are here.... it always seems more bleak anticipating the storm than it is once it gets here"--- yep, amazing.

I'm blessed. I know I am. Everything happens for a reason. I could go on, alas, I need to attempt to get my calculus score 8-10 points up. Love y'all' lots.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Nostalgia

Location: confines of my house

Listening to: (500) days of summer soundtrack

Avoiding: homework :P

This past week has been; BLAHHH. Everything has seemed to be backwards. So for a moment, I'm going to take my time on my little space of the interwebs to gripe. Perhaps, not about the issue, but what could fix it.

I need summer. Actually, my soul needs it.

There is not one thing that makes me happier in this world then being outside. Sunshine on my face. Sweet warmth of a summers sun. The gentle nudging of the grass on my skin. Pure innocence. Yeah, it's fantastic. Maybe it's the fact that there is no reservations to anyone or anything. I'm free. It's almost a cleansing. I'm stuck in this blind spot right now. You know, the one between fear and love. It's a bit complicated, however, I have some belief that it will work out. Summer will come. It always does, so why can't everything work out? Perhaps this summer I will gain a new found love. Maybe I'll find a new spot; find a new favorite band-- and go to some concerts. Perhaps, if I'm lucky.. people will come back around. And I know for a fact that I'll get to see Katie. Whom I miss dearly. [mac to my cheese].

If things could be like last summer I would be one happy girl. I know it's going to be different. I've accepted that. But no doubt I'm going to miss it. It's such a sweet disposition. Ending of a chapter... beginning of a new one... *sigh*... I guess I just want to be the one leaving this time. Next year. Next year. . . In the mean time I won't stop smiling. It's good for you-- I highly suggest trying it.

Lacrosse games start tomorrow :) At least now I'll have something to preoccupy me for the next 2.5 months. then prom. then the school year will be over in a snap.

side note: sometimes we expect more from others becuase we would be willing to do that much for them. Story of my life.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Come Away With Me.

Location: Living Room

Listening to: Norah Jones <3

Avoiding: the cold.

Observations- As I was driving down from my good friend Tyler's house the other night I was in the green car AKA Judith which I was also so fortunate to damage [slightly, just the bumper] about a month and a half ago. It was a mistake I made, but I did every thing in my power to make things right again. Anyways- Before the car was taken to the body shop there was this big chunk missing, exposing the tire, staring back mockingly every time I walked out the door. I hated myself for that.

Now, the car is fixed. I've moved on. However, I couldn't help but think how life is so much like that. It's funny how things fade. Time just seems to be an illusion. Moments are gone as quickly as the first one came. Cuts heal, dents reversed, scars fade, memories are burned into our minds, perfect moments relived. [Strange how we never appreciate them till later.] Living in love, remembering the warmth of a summers son on the coldest winters night. Feel the soft touch of someone we love when we're all alone. Escape to the memories, the ones that make us whole. Make us who we are. We choose what to remember.

In other news;

The winter soundtrack has been pretty sweet. Skiing. Being with people I love. Doing silly things (50 piece chicken nugget?) Lacrosse. Snowy days. I love watching it snow-- it's like the world is at peace. Nights of making dinner with friends. Just sitting and talking. Song writing. Hot Potts. The laughs, the tears, and the hugs. Everything has been so worth it. I've come closer to some, and have had to grow away from others, and even been reconnected. I've smiled. And I know with in a couple of months life as I know it will take an 180. I'm scared, but I'm excited-- for the new adventure that lies ahead. The new soundtrack.

Also,
500 days of summer = favorite movie of all time.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Nothing Worthwhile is Ever Easy

Location: Bedroom Floor

Listening to: Some CD they gave us in YW today.

Avoiding: AP Art History





This image was on post secret today. It stuck out to me. Partly because the simplicity, the serenity, and hopefulness of the secret.

The spring spoken of is both a metaphor and truth. Even though the things that have gone on in recent months have been so hard, felt so cold, so dark, so much like winter. However, I know I will be rewarded, some how. After all, as Thoreau said, "Nothing worthwhile is ever easy," it's all so worth it in the end. Things truthfully are looking up. Becoming more like "spring." I'm understanding more and more why I have been placed where I am. I'm having doors open up. It may not be what I imagined, but it never is. I'll just keep moving forward and hoping for the best.

Plus, everyone knows what spring means. Lacrosse season (: (yeah, I would.)

Strawberry-Banana

location: bed, hiding underneath my "fluffy"

listening to: new play list. not named yet, made all of 15 minutes ago.

avoiding: sleep...


This week, has been draining. Both emotionally and physically. However, it's times like these that I can take a step back and realize, and take note, of all those that actually love and care for me. Of course like any list, it changes, names are added, and even worse, names are crossed off. Yet, that just makes me even more grateful for all the people on that metaphorical list. . . like, my leaders. Sister Davis in particular; absolutely amazing. I hope to one day be as fantastic as she is in someones eyes. (: She really has helped me through a lot, taught me loads also. (especially that strawberry banana shakes fix anything) As for the physically; being emotionally drained also carries over to being physically drained. Although I feel so much better when I run, I am also running almost twice as hard to forget and make everything okay. Thus, exhaustion.

Blurb: When it comes to caring for people, I'm glad I don't ever stop caring, about anyone. Even though it causes pain at times, it's worth it in the end. Because Jesus said, "Love everyone." It doesn't mean you have to be friends (because it doesn't always work that way)

I also realised that "ski week" is in one week. After that we have six weeks till spring break. Then 8 weeks till the end of the school year. What? I'm never gonna be able to get everything done. It's going to be a miracle if I pull off Prom Assembly, Prom, AP testing, and Elections and don't die. Wish me luck!

Random thought from the other day:

I am a dork. One-hundred percent. Why? Here's some reasons: I got a calculator for Christmas. Our idea of being rebellious and illegal is sneaking into hotel pools. I do my homework. I take pride in my school. I do silly things with my friends. Spur of the moment. We sit on roofs. Talk about "MILA" all the time. we can make Harry Potter references and actually understand what the other person is talking about. We laugh and are our crazy selves in public. I don't need the approval of others. We do silly things all the time. Dinosaurs are awesome! we can play hide and seek and sardines and be entertained for hours. I quote Disney ALL the time. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I stand alone. I text adults. Socks are mittens for the feet. My favorites accessory is my "glasses". My mind just doesn't function completely normal all the time. I trip a little too much. I tel pointless stories. Enjoy going to church. Wild dance parties. Ninjas. Barfing love. I am LOUD. I smile all the time. The park is my favorite place ever. Exploring is super dandy. I use words like fantastic, legit, apporate in daily conversation. Stu Do is the best thing EVER. We can play with magnets for hours. Bees scare me silly. I want to be like Ellie from UP! Jam!! Bench of extreme convenience Tic-Tok. I want toe be a superhero. . .Point proven?

This could go on for quite awhile. Fact is I'm a nerd, dork, all the above. Whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love who I am. I love my life. And all those who are in it (because they love me for me, and I don't have to change for anyone.)

And, Approx 24 days to Vegas. Can't. Wait.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"Love everyone, Frazil" -KJ

Soooo, I've got, oh about 80 zillion things buzzing around in my noggin. From the abstract to the concrete. The awesome to the melancholy.

I have found it rather amusing that when I think, I step back and pretend my life is a movie. Replaying scenes. I, the commentary, am revealing the underlying plot. Really I think my life would make an excellent sitcom. Would likely end up like the Wonder Years or Malcom in the Middle. Everything wouldn't turn out so perfect but hey, I'm okay with that one.

Anywayysss. Some of the things that are floating around up in the ocean of my thoughts.

- How are we supposed to know when we're in love? How do we know we're ready? I think I am . . . I would like to be. But how do you knowwww he loves youuuu how do you knowww he cares? (sorry... enchanted tangent... :P) Perhaps it's like when we know something is true. We just know. It is just high school after all... but you can love someone right? Actually, yes. You can. I love all the boys that I hang out with because every single one is like a brother, okay maybe it's not that kind of "love" but every single one of those boys treats me to the highest potential that I can be. I suppose that they are teaching me what a man will treat me like. The qualities that I will love in my "dream man"

- I do realize that people make mistakes . . . and I may have been the perpetrator of some in the recent past. Although, I'm not exactly sure what I have done . . . If any of you read this, I know I have told you in person, but please just realize, I'm sorry. I'm human. Not perfect. I'm really trying though. I miss you all. Miss how it was. Please let me know it's all right.

-I'm not angry anymore. Just disappointed. Anger is a choice. I'm choosing not to be.

-I will not give up. I am strong.

- New motto. Good thing you have real friends (I love you chloe sumsion)

-Please, don't tell me I don't know what I want. I do. I want you to be happy.

-Perhaps you came into my life to help me repair some friendships . . . now that's done. It might mean loosing you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . as much as I don't want that.

-I'm surrounded by people that care for me. People I can always go to. No matter what. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Even if they aren't near. I do miss the far away ones terribly, but am so grateful to have the ones near that I do.

-I found out today that I will only be about $450 dollars out by the end of the month. . . as opposed to $2,500. Hollar.

-I will smile. Because I love to smile.

-Vegas in approx 41 days. Love my team.

Also, sundance started today. . . we know what that means! Crappy driving conditions, parking, poking fun at the tourists, famous people, roofs, and wait listing. Yep, I'm just that awesome. Kinda.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A few things

1) I would give anything to be 862 miles from here right now.

2) I wish he would hold me, and never let go.

3) vedera = the best publicly undiscovered, sarah discovered group i have EVER heard. go listen if you don't believe me.



"smile, like you've got nothing to prove. there's always someone cooler than you" -- courtesy of Ben folds.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'd rather embark

I pose the question of which is harder, or on the contrary easier.... Leaving, or being left.


In my opinion it is much easier to be the one leaving than the one left. My reasoning is as such. If you are the one leaving, you have already accepted the fact that things are not going to be the same. In a relationship things have changed for you and there is little hurt to get over; if in a relationship you are the one being left it takes you by suprise. You wonder what could have been done differently? why is this happening? and it hurts. There is no fair warning. No mental preparation. Just a hammer coming down on glass.

Now the same goes for leaving a place or group of people. Yes, there are memories. Goodbyes are never fun. You miss people. Yet, there is a whole NEW adventure waiting for you. New people, places, activities, experiences. Everything is a rush to the senses. You still have those memories of the old, and yes, being new can be hard... with time you adjust and everything is hunky dori. I personally believe that when people move away they take a little bit of you with them. They don't know but they do. The worst part is that the person that has been left has to watch someone else have this magnificent change while their life stays relatively... dull. The person left behind has to see all the places where memories were made so often it's hard not to think about. Especially when you are in a small town. It's hard to just merge into a new group of friends. People know your past. They don't want to accept you. Either that or they demand change. It makes you miss the person who left even more.

I love Park City, don't get me wrong. It's a love hate relationship. So bittersweet. It's an amazing place, and has some opportunities that are out of this world. I'm so blessed to live somewhere so beautiful... and at the same time it's a little bit of a curse. You are determined who you are in about the 4th grade. Obviously I wasn't clued in... but I'm glad I was not. People grew up together. And it seems the more "original" you are... the more we hate each other... a sad, but true reality. People either stay true to themselves or morph into this collective blob of grayness to "fit in." Although I would miss certain aspects I just wish I could leave sometimes. Be the new person for once. Have a different adventure. Get out of this distorted bubble. My time will come... year and a half more.

That being said. I think next time I would rather be the one who leaves. not left behind... College is going to rock.