Long overdue.

Location: Bedroom

Listening to: my screaming mind and heart. silence too.

Avoiding: the mind trap I'm in. and my calc hw. yuck.

This rant is long overdue.

Frankly, I'm just frustrated. I'm not mad. Not disappointed. Not discontented. Not anything. I am simply and wholeheartedly frustrated. It's the end of the quarter. I'm barley staying afloat. I'm kept awake by these thoughts that just torment me till I can't fight any longer. I'm haunted by my own past.

See, my first mistake was to think that this year was going to be any different then the last. Yeah I was right about it being different then the last as in it royally is sucking. I didn't intend for things to be this way. I've really tried to be positive about the whole situation I'm in. Still somehow they always turn out the same. My life is on replay and I don't know where the skip button is. For once I would like things to turn out in my favor.

See I'm always the one who comes off as, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm happy to be independent. And while this is true, and the male species as a whole [with few exceptions] are COMPLETE idiots.. at least in high school.. still, nothing feels so good as contact with another human being. Someone to hold you in their arms and tell you everything is going to be okay. A person who you trust more than anything else in this world, and they wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt you.

But I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

See, one thing about me is I don't require much validation. Generally I'm a very independent person and am happy with myself. And every once in a while, people come along, and I suddenly crave validation from them. See, I feel pretty comfortable with who I am, but I suppose I look for validation to make sure that I am. Because that's all validation really does, it's a conformation. The truth has to be there already or how else can it be confirmed? Validation can be positive or negative... or even a stamp.

So with these unrealistic expectations comes really, hardcore fish slap in the face disappointments. I'm tired of caring for people in such a way that gets me burned. I would drop the world for my friends. They know that. Each and every one of them knows just how much I love them. I tell them all the time. Somehow, I don't always feel the favor is returned. I trust without question until they give me a reason to question that. I love people unconditionally. [well at least I really try hard to] but the thing is, I feel like I would give so much more to these people then they would ever give to me. And it hurts. I really does. I was born with the tremendous need to give love, but along with that come a tremendous love to receive it. One can only give so much with out being replenished. It's a simple cycle that theoretically should complete its self. If you know where the clog is, please let me know. Hopefully we can remove the whore.

I'm sitting here ranting about stuff that very few are ever going to read. I'm sitting here screaming. But it's like I can't shout loud enough. I'm tired of being where I am... on the sidelines.
I'm just tired of this. Simply tired of the mind trap. Everywhere I turn there's traces of things that I wish I could forget. I don't understand why my life is on replay with different characters. Maybe there's lessons I still need to learn. But I'm simply tired of the hell at the expense of others. Yet, these emotions spark creativity beyond my wildest dreams, but at no simple cost. I often wonder what it would be like, to not feel. would it be worth giving up these times of heart wrenching, soul tearing, intensity but have to miss out on the moments of sheer joy. Of complete and utter contentment. of the feeling of the sun on my skin? I don't know. I don't think it would be. To lose all creativity and joy to save yourself from a little suffering. It's not worth it. Nope, because I cherish those simple joys with everything I have.

I suppose it's times like these where faith really is tested. I am blessed. I really am. I should be more thankful. I'm working on that.

On a positive. I'm not as worried about lacrosse... at least someone believes in me...

I miss my best friend. everyday.




I'm feeling like I don't know you, tell me that you love me, then cut me down, i need you like a heart beat, but you know you got a mean streak... yes, I remember what you said last night and I know that you see what you're doing to me. tell me why.... yeah, I got no one to believe in, tell me that you want me then push me around.... I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know. Thank you, Taylor swift for writing about my life. Because that describes PERFECTLY what happens. every. freaking. time.

Secrets...

Location: Office

Listening to: 500 days of summer

Avoiding: sleep...

I've been thinking. About secrets.

We all have them, but what makes some statement of our intentions, feelings, or the truth worthy of these barriers? Why are we so afraid? It's because it makes us vulnerable, we let down all defenses. More often then not we don't tell the people we love the most these secrets, because, let's face it, those we love have the most power to hurt us.

See, that's where trust comes in. Trust in friendship/love/any relationship (whatever you want to call it) is imperative. See, I trust people until they prove that trust can't be there. Some may disagree with this, and I will admit, I have crashed and burned because of it every so often. Yet, it usually plays in my favor. Still, it brings me back, those we love and those we trust have the most power to hurt us because they can judge us. The way I see it, when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does no

t think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does, that is real friendship and love right there.

So why is it so hard to open up? Why do we fear people getting in side our minds? I would venture to say that the issue will just keep circling to the same point. . So let's try and not judge what others are facing. I've been working hard on not being judgmental for awhile. I'm not perfect, I'm working on it, but then again, who is perfect? But I'm not perfect, I'm afraid as any of you are.

We all have secrets, what's yours?

my secret? ask. maybe i'll tell.

blarrrggghhh

Location: Office, which is conveniently located inside, when i want to be out.

Listening to: 10,000 Maniacs

Avoiding: Waiting for this lightening and thunder to pass. i should be doing Homework.

It's Monday afternoon. It's raining... now, there is one thing you must understand. Normally I would be quite content with this fact, however at the moment it's becoming a rude annoyance. There's really one thing that I want to go do right now. That would be run. I just need to think some things through. You know, pound out like 7 miles. I'd feel much better after. Alas, I need to wait for this stupid thunder and lightning to pass.

Basically there are two schools of thought.

I could take my chances and just word vomit here on the inter webs and have it come back to kick me in the face,

OR I can keep my mouth shut which is incredibly hard to do right now because inside, i'm raging, raging, simply ENRAGED. bummer. looks like it's letting up outside.

positive thoughts.

p.s. for those of you who care, I can't wait for this weekend. I smile just thinking about it :)