off we go.

Location: Office

Listening to: Matt & Kim

Avoiding: Sleep. mostly. I want today to just keep going.

Here we are, 2011. Who would have thought it would ever come? I remember being in like second grade and everything had our graduation year on it, and we thought it was FOREVER away. Well look where we've crash landed. What a whirl wind it's been.

They say these are the years we'll remember the most. That they're "days of our lives". Frankly, I think that it's just beginning. Because if High School is the best it gets for you in life... well you just don't know how to live. But there is no doubt that all the crazy stuff I've done will live in my memories for a long time. Those moments when you were just purely happy. When you did something completely crazy and slightly irrational. Vignettes that just shine so bright in your mind you can't help but smile. You look back, you laugh, you cry, then you laugh some more.

It's weird to think that I'll be leaving in a mere six months. I think this fact alone is allowing me to just go for it. Not that I didn't already, but it's a whole new sense of freedom that I can almost taste. I just could care less about many silly things. And I am glad. It's also weird to think that I'll be leaving the one place I have known my ENTIRE life. A dazzling 17.6 years so far. I love it, but I'm ready to go. To everything there is a time and a season, and my time here. It's almost up. I'm excited but nervous to forge on with the future. I'll be ready when I get there.

So here's to 2010. It taught me loads. I've grown so much as a person. Honestly, from where I was a year ago it's almost a parallel universe. Crazy how much can change in so little time, such a strange illusion. A year ago I was with all my friends (now in college.. :( ) and having a girls night, because we were all so fed up. I wouldn't have even thought of hanging out with half the people I have in these last few weeks a year ago. I was caught up in silly things. I made starting Varsity and learned so much as a lacrosse player. I let go of people, I met some new ones. I did some straight up crazy stuff. I repelled off roofs. Went exploring. Simply, I just tried to live the only way I know how; love all those around you, no matter what. It's how I live. It's what I strive for. I only want to continue learning, loving, and living --I will, no one's stopping me.

I'm looking forward to what this year will teach me. Who I will meet. It's off to a good start. Today was awesome :) I'm just happy. I have been blessed with good friends. So 2011, bring it on. I'm ready.

Life In Technicolor

Location: Mahhh roomm

Listening to: Sway -oh jazz music, the things you do to me

Avoiding: Just taking a break from calculus.

Life's a little crazy. A little fun. And can be a little awkward. Embrace those moments, laugh at them it's so much fun. I'm doing my own thing. I've never felt better. Loving my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. Nope, never.

This weekend has been spectacular. The passer by might think I'm a little silly for saying so, I didn't do anything extravagant. I just laughed till it hurt. Made some new friends, and I couldn't stop smiling. This weekend was an answer to prayers, the Lord is awesome like that. I'm glad he can make things happen in the way we need them too. It's amazing how he can let a couple people just come into your life and totally re-open your eyes. Ah, the tender mercies they're just grand.

Listen to Life In Technicolor by Coldplay. It's my theme song. Goes exactly with how I'm feeling. Love. Love. Love. Love it.

I'm just happy. So elated. Pure bliss :)

So glad It's finally snowing! well... sorta. but still :) :) Best Friday in a while. Thanks for the ice cream and laughs ;)

Fundemental lessons

Location: Floor

Listening to: Music I love

Avoiding: Physics.lit.hw

I am me.

It's a simple statement, but I couldn't be happier any other way. I may be rather unconventional at times it makes me happy to be just that. That being said, I like to make people wonder. Many find me peculiar, but I don't think that's a bad thing. See, dear reader, I know what I know to be right, and I stand for that. I am what almost every other teens worst fear is. Myself. I it was Marinnane Williamson who so eloquently said;

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I especially like that last line. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. I've recently been sown by several different people the power I have with in myself to change lives. I hold these people near and dear to my heart. But really, Who are we NOT to be??? We all have so much potential so why not actualize it? Who cares if you've never played a new sport, why not try it? Who cares if a subject you love in school is considered nerdy? In fact, who cares who did what with who this weekend? NO ONE! Which is fantastic, because the only person that really does care is yourself - and if everyone is busy thinking about themselves well... i say put that aside for a few moments. Open your eyes to those around you. Give people compliments. Smile. Be Confident. Be you. and have no fear. Because strange as it seems, that confidence can be ground breaking. If you are yourself, people will want to be with you. Soon, you'll be talking to people you never even knew, helping others be confident in themselves also. People generally notice one of two things. Confidence or Arrogance; the two are often placed in the same category but are extremely different. One cannot exist with the other. Plain as light and dark. So let it be confidence. Surround yourself with people who build each other up. Don't let them drag you down, (although it will happen) continue to exhibit kindness and love - help them be confident.

If there's anything I've learned these past few years of high school it's that you can be the most confident person in the world, but there's always room to grow. You're going to feel under appreciated, but you won't remember those moments - all you'll remember is the days you had a smile on your face... so why not make them all that way? You're going to remember how it felt when he grabbed your hand in the hallway the first time, how embarrassed you felt when your silly video was played infront of the whole school. How content you felt at the end of Prom, that it all went smoothly. How nervous you were for your many firsts - first class, first date, first kiss, first game. How it was to be the new kid. How some days were just completely spontaneous. How one person of thing could make you smile for weeks on end. It's amazing. Enjoy it. It goes by way to fast, and it's a wild ride. Seek the adventure in everyday. Love who you are. You'll go far in this world.

I hope people will think of me, and a smile will come to their face.

TV Live :)

Spectacular day of shenanigans in the park!

Sometimes we just need to laugh at ourselves, and when we spill our salad all over the floor while telling crazy stories.

Functions

Location: fluffy

Listening to: my heart.

Avoiding: one word. Roger.

I wish I had a more eloquent way with words.

Sometimes, I feel completely out of place. Like everyday. OR how I should be working on other things right now. But I just can't seem to focus. My mind keeps wandering to the things I've written about in the past few days that I should post.

Or I could be doing something that will actually get me somewhere in this life.

Science of Fear

Location: Atop a most comfortable mattress

Listening to: Temper Trap.

Avoiding: a lot.

I feel like I should have something to say. It's not a conceivable feeling. There is no onomatopoeia that I could write down that, you, the reader could understand.

It's been a year. In other cases a month. Much has changed. Much has happened.

I've been thinking about my passions. And how incredibly hard it is to put yourself down on paper in less than 500 words to be judged and scrutinized by people who are all about 50 years old. I'm just praying whatever the faculty at the high school sees in me is translated to the paper. I'm just being myself. I figure that's my best shot.

It's like they expect me to have my whole life figured out right now. There's no way. I have a mere 17 years of experience on this earth. If you could even call it that. I'm undeniably scared. But also excited at the thought of taking on the world. It's stressful. An adventure is waiting just around the corner. I don't know how anything is going to work. For now I just keep praying for guidance to make the correct decisions, and to be where I'm needed. I trust the Lord will provide. He does cool stuff like that :)

I have dreams. I will make them a reality.


I need to let people know I'm thankful more often. So let's begin here. I am thankful for you, dear reader. For taking a moment to see how I'm thinking. And for quietly understanding. It's appreciated.

and please.
Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. love me without restrictions. want me without demand. accept me the way i am.


and you.
you make the world beautiful just by living in it.


remember.
Smile.

Just know.

Location: Office

Listening to: Silence

Avoiding: . . . .

I am.

a horrible person.

please understand. I'm tryin'

but there's only so much I can do.

Please. Just take a moment to look and see.

My intentions are good. I love who you are. How bright your colors shine.

Know that I see it in you.

You have more potential then you'll ever know.

I am thankful for you.

I'm sorry if I don't always show it.

Love and friendship are verbs.

I'll try harder.

I promise.

Long overdue.

Location: Bedroom

Listening to: my screaming mind and heart. silence too.

Avoiding: the mind trap I'm in. and my calc hw. yuck.

This rant is long overdue.

Frankly, I'm just frustrated. I'm not mad. Not disappointed. Not discontented. Not anything. I am simply and wholeheartedly frustrated. It's the end of the quarter. I'm barley staying afloat. I'm kept awake by these thoughts that just torment me till I can't fight any longer. I'm haunted by my own past.

See, my first mistake was to think that this year was going to be any different then the last. Yeah I was right about it being different then the last as in it royally is sucking. I didn't intend for things to be this way. I've really tried to be positive about the whole situation I'm in. Still somehow they always turn out the same. My life is on replay and I don't know where the skip button is. For once I would like things to turn out in my favor.

See I'm always the one who comes off as, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm happy to be independent. And while this is true, and the male species as a whole [with few exceptions] are COMPLETE idiots.. at least in high school.. still, nothing feels so good as contact with another human being. Someone to hold you in their arms and tell you everything is going to be okay. A person who you trust more than anything else in this world, and they wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt you.

But I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

See, one thing about me is I don't require much validation. Generally I'm a very independent person and am happy with myself. And every once in a while, people come along, and I suddenly crave validation from them. See, I feel pretty comfortable with who I am, but I suppose I look for validation to make sure that I am. Because that's all validation really does, it's a conformation. The truth has to be there already or how else can it be confirmed? Validation can be positive or negative... or even a stamp.

So with these unrealistic expectations comes really, hardcore fish slap in the face disappointments. I'm tired of caring for people in such a way that gets me burned. I would drop the world for my friends. They know that. Each and every one of them knows just how much I love them. I tell them all the time. Somehow, I don't always feel the favor is returned. I trust without question until they give me a reason to question that. I love people unconditionally. [well at least I really try hard to] but the thing is, I feel like I would give so much more to these people then they would ever give to me. And it hurts. I really does. I was born with the tremendous need to give love, but along with that come a tremendous love to receive it. One can only give so much with out being replenished. It's a simple cycle that theoretically should complete its self. If you know where the clog is, please let me know. Hopefully we can remove the whore.

I'm sitting here ranting about stuff that very few are ever going to read. I'm sitting here screaming. But it's like I can't shout loud enough. I'm tired of being where I am... on the sidelines.
I'm just tired of this. Simply tired of the mind trap. Everywhere I turn there's traces of things that I wish I could forget. I don't understand why my life is on replay with different characters. Maybe there's lessons I still need to learn. But I'm simply tired of the hell at the expense of others. Yet, these emotions spark creativity beyond my wildest dreams, but at no simple cost. I often wonder what it would be like, to not feel. would it be worth giving up these times of heart wrenching, soul tearing, intensity but have to miss out on the moments of sheer joy. Of complete and utter contentment. of the feeling of the sun on my skin? I don't know. I don't think it would be. To lose all creativity and joy to save yourself from a little suffering. It's not worth it. Nope, because I cherish those simple joys with everything I have.

I suppose it's times like these where faith really is tested. I am blessed. I really am. I should be more thankful. I'm working on that.

On a positive. I'm not as worried about lacrosse... at least someone believes in me...

I miss my best friend. everyday.




I'm feeling like I don't know you, tell me that you love me, then cut me down, i need you like a heart beat, but you know you got a mean streak... yes, I remember what you said last night and I know that you see what you're doing to me. tell me why.... yeah, I got no one to believe in, tell me that you want me then push me around.... I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know. Thank you, Taylor swift for writing about my life. Because that describes PERFECTLY what happens. every. freaking. time.