I got a fast car..

Location: My floor.

Listening to: Fast Car. Boyce Avenue.

Avoiding: I can't sleep.

Life isn't fair, and life won't ever be fair. But rather than bitch and wallow in sadness, go out and make the most of it. Do something you wouldn't normally do, inspire others who need a push, and gout and create the world you want to live in. So grab a drink and give a toast that you're still alive, and give a toast to those who aren't.

A dear teacher to me passed away today. He was an inspiration, a friend, a mentor and more. This man, he believed in me. He taught me so much. One of my last conversations with him was about life, and how we're all going to make it. That growing up wasn't going to be easy, but I would do it with grace. He promised that he would always be there for me. And I don't doubt that for a second. I can feel his spirit here. Pushing me to go forward, keep learning and carry on the legacy he has created. He smiled till the end.

It's all so bitter sweet. It feels like a dream. People come, and people go. Premature death is the most unfair, but God takes the good ones early. I trust Maddux is in heaven, no longer in pain. He's where he needs to be. And while this knowledge doesn't take the pain away - knowing the plan of salvation sure makes things a lot easier.

I love you Maddux. You'll never be forgotten. God be with you till we meet again.

I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here

Mess with my concepts

Location: living room

Listening to: murmurs of my father reading a loud upstairs... i'm going to miss this.

Avoiding: finishing my series review...

I don't really know what I want to say right now. I feel the majority of my posts have a point, or at least a rant. they tend to go somewhere. At this moment, I have lots of thoughts... they aren't fully grown, just feelings looking for words - and I find myself on here looking to dispel some of them.

I'm running into the problem that people actually read my blog. Ha. that's weird.

Anyways.

It's been a less than average week. Average for me being happy go lucky life's wonderful, so you do the math. Thank the Lord for people like Lesa Peers who stand by me and will pick up the phone at weird hours and listen to me between muffled sighs and tears. I'm just tired. It's fourth quarter, I'm a Senior - can you really blame me for only going to one class? for giving up on pretty much all my homework but math. I'm tired of being second best. Always being told that I'm so fantastic and on top of life, that I'm so deserving of so many awards but just barley missing the mark. 7 people out of top 10%. Next in line for sterling scholar. The back up girl for a date. I'm done with being so close. It's just, discouraging. It's not going to stop me though.

No. I'll keep fighting. Still, I wonder. How come so many can see these qualities but the affirmations I receive are few and far between. Perhaps it's my love for "gold stars" secretly I LOVE it when people notice the things I do, but often I go on acting like it's not a big deal, it's something I do... but really when someone genuinely takes the time to give a thoughtful complement I cherish those. I try my hardest to give these complements out to people every day because I know myself how much I love them.

bah. I'm doing it again. Complaining. I hate doing this on my blog - because really my life is pretty darn good. There is so much more that could be wrong. I'm beyond grateful for what I have. I really am.

And I know I'm a total hypocrite (and kinda cliche) saying this but I'm gonna go ahead anyways. To all my younger friends... don't be wishing so hard to be out of this town, and out of high school. I know it's lame, and totally over rated... but soon you'll be graduating, and wondering why you wasted so much time longing to be somewhere that you couldn't be until the time was right. Enjoy where you are now, take it in. You only get to do this once, so make it the best, don't waste anytime. You'll get to where you need to be. I promise.

18th birthday comes in 10 days. (and I'll still be in the VL club. boo yah?) I move out in about 7 weeks. I couldn't be more scared. And I couldn't be more excited. Life is good. A daring adventure.

so I'm just going to be myself. because I know I am wonderful. smile. smile. smile. smile.

dankeschön, adieu, adieu

Location: Couch

Listening to: The Decemberists

Avoiding:(more relieving) the longing my heart feels.

sometimes, nostalgia hits you hard.

I miss some people terribly. You know, those people that have some of the simplest interactions with you, yet, the greatest impacts EVER. As soon as you realize how fantastic they are you fear losing them, in some way, shape, or form. It's a strange thing - because then it becomes real.

In 8th and 9th grade, I had the most fantastic English teacher. Really, she has been one of the most influential women in my life to date. She was like a second mom to me, you know, one of those teachers that really cared. I could write about anything in her class and not have to fear her judgment. I felt safe in that room, and I could dream big, there were no limitations. Everything this woman is, I would love to be. She inspires.

Her husband got a job transfer, and they had to move to Washington. We've kept in touch, but I can't even articulate what she means to me. The fact that she would just let me call her up when ever I needed to discuss a paper, or just needed someone to talk to. She let me rant about boys to her when they were being dumb, gave me amazing advice for taking on the world, and has really been there every step of the way. Reading back on emails pain me - but it's not a bad pain, it's a good pain. They remind me of exactly how much I am loved, in fact I am very deeply loved, and I should never doubt it. I only wish I could repay her for what she has taught me. However, it seems the teacher's greatest pleasure is seeing their pupil partake in the lessons before them.

I want to do something for her. Something special, right now this nostalgia is crushing.

So thank you, Mrs. Clarke, for the simple act of believing.

It's gotten me far.

got the love.

Location: Office

Listening to: The Weepies.

Avoiding: N/A

Wild hearts can't be broken.

So us. minus one. miss you all crazy. Great things happen in the blink of an eye. Go. Be. Love. The world needs you.