Mess with my concepts

Location: living room

Listening to: murmurs of my father reading a loud upstairs... i'm going to miss this.

Avoiding: finishing my series review...

I don't really know what I want to say right now. I feel the majority of my posts have a point, or at least a rant. they tend to go somewhere. At this moment, I have lots of thoughts... they aren't fully grown, just feelings looking for words - and I find myself on here looking to dispel some of them.

I'm running into the problem that people actually read my blog. Ha. that's weird.

Anyways.

It's been a less than average week. Average for me being happy go lucky life's wonderful, so you do the math. Thank the Lord for people like Lesa Peers who stand by me and will pick up the phone at weird hours and listen to me between muffled sighs and tears. I'm just tired. It's fourth quarter, I'm a Senior - can you really blame me for only going to one class? for giving up on pretty much all my homework but math. I'm tired of being second best. Always being told that I'm so fantastic and on top of life, that I'm so deserving of so many awards but just barley missing the mark. 7 people out of top 10%. Next in line for sterling scholar. The back up girl for a date. I'm done with being so close. It's just, discouraging. It's not going to stop me though.

No. I'll keep fighting. Still, I wonder. How come so many can see these qualities but the affirmations I receive are few and far between. Perhaps it's my love for "gold stars" secretly I LOVE it when people notice the things I do, but often I go on acting like it's not a big deal, it's something I do... but really when someone genuinely takes the time to give a thoughtful complement I cherish those. I try my hardest to give these complements out to people every day because I know myself how much I love them.

bah. I'm doing it again. Complaining. I hate doing this on my blog - because really my life is pretty darn good. There is so much more that could be wrong. I'm beyond grateful for what I have. I really am.

And I know I'm a total hypocrite (and kinda cliche) saying this but I'm gonna go ahead anyways. To all my younger friends... don't be wishing so hard to be out of this town, and out of high school. I know it's lame, and totally over rated... but soon you'll be graduating, and wondering why you wasted so much time longing to be somewhere that you couldn't be until the time was right. Enjoy where you are now, take it in. You only get to do this once, so make it the best, don't waste anytime. You'll get to where you need to be. I promise.

18th birthday comes in 10 days. (and I'll still be in the VL club. boo yah?) I move out in about 7 weeks. I couldn't be more scared. And I couldn't be more excited. Life is good. A daring adventure.

so I'm just going to be myself. because I know I am wonderful. smile. smile. smile. smile.