Long overdue.

Location: Bedroom

Listening to: my screaming mind and heart. silence too.

Avoiding: the mind trap I'm in. and my calc hw. yuck.

This rant is long overdue.

Frankly, I'm just frustrated. I'm not mad. Not disappointed. Not discontented. Not anything. I am simply and wholeheartedly frustrated. It's the end of the quarter. I'm barley staying afloat. I'm kept awake by these thoughts that just torment me till I can't fight any longer. I'm haunted by my own past.

See, my first mistake was to think that this year was going to be any different then the last. Yeah I was right about it being different then the last as in it royally is sucking. I didn't intend for things to be this way. I've really tried to be positive about the whole situation I'm in. Still somehow they always turn out the same. My life is on replay and I don't know where the skip button is. For once I would like things to turn out in my favor.

See I'm always the one who comes off as, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm happy to be independent. And while this is true, and the male species as a whole [with few exceptions] are COMPLETE idiots.. at least in high school.. still, nothing feels so good as contact with another human being. Someone to hold you in their arms and tell you everything is going to be okay. A person who you trust more than anything else in this world, and they wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt you.

But I guess I just have unrealistic expectations.

See, one thing about me is I don't require much validation. Generally I'm a very independent person and am happy with myself. And every once in a while, people come along, and I suddenly crave validation from them. See, I feel pretty comfortable with who I am, but I suppose I look for validation to make sure that I am. Because that's all validation really does, it's a conformation. The truth has to be there already or how else can it be confirmed? Validation can be positive or negative... or even a stamp.

So with these unrealistic expectations comes really, hardcore fish slap in the face disappointments. I'm tired of caring for people in such a way that gets me burned. I would drop the world for my friends. They know that. Each and every one of them knows just how much I love them. I tell them all the time. Somehow, I don't always feel the favor is returned. I trust without question until they give me a reason to question that. I love people unconditionally. [well at least I really try hard to] but the thing is, I feel like I would give so much more to these people then they would ever give to me. And it hurts. I really does. I was born with the tremendous need to give love, but along with that come a tremendous love to receive it. One can only give so much with out being replenished. It's a simple cycle that theoretically should complete its self. If you know where the clog is, please let me know. Hopefully we can remove the whore.

I'm sitting here ranting about stuff that very few are ever going to read. I'm sitting here screaming. But it's like I can't shout loud enough. I'm tired of being where I am... on the sidelines.
I'm just tired of this. Simply tired of the mind trap. Everywhere I turn there's traces of things that I wish I could forget. I don't understand why my life is on replay with different characters. Maybe there's lessons I still need to learn. But I'm simply tired of the hell at the expense of others. Yet, these emotions spark creativity beyond my wildest dreams, but at no simple cost. I often wonder what it would be like, to not feel. would it be worth giving up these times of heart wrenching, soul tearing, intensity but have to miss out on the moments of sheer joy. Of complete and utter contentment. of the feeling of the sun on my skin? I don't know. I don't think it would be. To lose all creativity and joy to save yourself from a little suffering. It's not worth it. Nope, because I cherish those simple joys with everything I have.

I suppose it's times like these where faith really is tested. I am blessed. I really am. I should be more thankful. I'm working on that.

On a positive. I'm not as worried about lacrosse... at least someone believes in me...

I miss my best friend. everyday.




I'm feeling like I don't know you, tell me that you love me, then cut me down, i need you like a heart beat, but you know you got a mean streak... yes, I remember what you said last night and I know that you see what you're doing to me. tell me why.... yeah, I got no one to believe in, tell me that you want me then push me around.... I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know. Thank you, Taylor swift for writing about my life. Because that describes PERFECTLY what happens. every. freaking. time.

Secrets...

Location: Office

Listening to: 500 days of summer

Avoiding: sleep...

I've been thinking. About secrets.

We all have them, but what makes some statement of our intentions, feelings, or the truth worthy of these barriers? Why are we so afraid? It's because it makes us vulnerable, we let down all defenses. More often then not we don't tell the people we love the most these secrets, because, let's face it, those we love have the most power to hurt us.

See, that's where trust comes in. Trust in friendship/love/any relationship (whatever you want to call it) is imperative. See, I trust people until they prove that trust can't be there. Some may disagree with this, and I will admit, I have crashed and burned because of it every so often. Yet, it usually plays in my favor. Still, it brings me back, those we love and those we trust have the most power to hurt us because they can judge us. The way I see it, when one person knows all of your secrets... your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets of which no one else in the world knows... and yet in the end, that one person does no

t think any less of you; even if the rest of the world does, that is real friendship and love right there.

So why is it so hard to open up? Why do we fear people getting in side our minds? I would venture to say that the issue will just keep circling to the same point. . So let's try and not judge what others are facing. I've been working hard on not being judgmental for awhile. I'm not perfect, I'm working on it, but then again, who is perfect? But I'm not perfect, I'm afraid as any of you are.

We all have secrets, what's yours?

my secret? ask. maybe i'll tell.

blarrrggghhh

Location: Office, which is conveniently located inside, when i want to be out.

Listening to: 10,000 Maniacs

Avoiding: Waiting for this lightening and thunder to pass. i should be doing Homework.

It's Monday afternoon. It's raining... now, there is one thing you must understand. Normally I would be quite content with this fact, however at the moment it's becoming a rude annoyance. There's really one thing that I want to go do right now. That would be run. I just need to think some things through. You know, pound out like 7 miles. I'd feel much better after. Alas, I need to wait for this stupid thunder and lightning to pass.

Basically there are two schools of thought.

I could take my chances and just word vomit here on the inter webs and have it come back to kick me in the face,

OR I can keep my mouth shut which is incredibly hard to do right now because inside, i'm raging, raging, simply ENRAGED. bummer. looks like it's letting up outside.

positive thoughts.

p.s. for those of you who care, I can't wait for this weekend. I smile just thinking about it :)

No need for the heroic...

Location: floor

Listening to: The occasional murmur from my sleeping sister

Avoiding: I really just needed a break from HW.

I truthfully am happy.

I will say that.

My mind keeps wandering. I can't focus on the task at hand. I could write about a lot of things. This is on my mind though...
It's like I never really said goodbye to him. We just uttered our silent hopes into the air as we embraced. A tears streaming down cheeks. Knowing that we'll still be friends. It wasn't goodbye. Only a temporary parting.

I could continue, say lots of things. But for now, I'm an ever evolving character of my own story. I suspect my words will change as I grow, they already have.

I know I'll get it right one day.

Slightly Random

Location: Atop a bunk bed

Listening to: Indie radio, such a hipster, I know... only not really

Avoiding: much needed sleep


Much has happened.

I don't even know where to begin. I need to have a serious heart to heart with someone. Alas, it's almost 2 am. Anyone I would want to have this conversation with is dreaming sweet dreams in their dorm rooms.

Thoughts.

There is a little mystery behind every face, every hello, and every goodbye. Personally, I don't believe in goodbyes. They just aren't real to me. It hasn't hit me yet that I could be saying goodbye to one of my very best friends in the next 48 hours for who knows how long?

I like fall. Everything, and everyone just feels so... ALIVE. and I absolutely love it :)

I'm a firm believer in letting people know (especially those far away, or you haven't talked to in a while) that you are thinking of them. I like to write letters and send them. There's just something about the mail.

I know people are intimidated by me. I know what I want in life (getting there's half the battle) I've been reasonably successful with in my high school career. I try my best to be kind, smile, and let people know they're cared for (and not i'm not perfect at any of these... but i'm trying) Sometimes I wonder if it can be hard to be my friend, but at the same time, it's weird to be so known by so many people but sometimes feel so lonely. But I'm not asked out, ever. And it seems like anyone who cares gets snatched away. High school is dumb. A little over rated. It shouldn't matter, but I'll be honest, sometimes it hurts more than anyone can know. As silly as this sounds, girls need to hear you're beautiful instead of you're hot. I can count on one hand the guys who have called me beautiful, who have loved me for me. Girls same goes for you, I think we need to tell the guys that they are gentlemen. Call it old fashioned, but it's something I believe in.

really really random thought.... but you know when you have those days when you're getting ready for bed, and you just look nice. Especially your hair, like it's not bad or average looking, it's just nice. Sometimes I just wish I could freeze my hair like that and put it on every day with no effort. Because who says tomorrow my hair won't set on fire and fall out? (okay a little ridiculous, I know... forgive me. It's 2 am) However, So it is with life. I find it funny that we spend more time remember the "bad hair days" as opposed to the good ones. So from now on I just want to learn lessons from the bad ones, and remember the good days because these past two days haven't been to bad. :)

And you know. Maybe our fairy tales and happily ever afters aren't going to be picture perfect, or even what we imagined. But I wouldn't trade this fairy tale I'm living for anything.

I'm also always down for a good blanket fort. I know what I'm doing tomorrow afternoon.

endings, beginnings, pages, chapters, ect.

Location: My wonderful bed

Listening to: The best Pandora play list ever.

Avoiding: being productive.

School starts in two days. I have essay(s) to finish, things to do. Let's be frank... none of this is going to get done until Wednesday night at about... ohhh say, eleven pm. Procrastination how I love thee. But in all fairness I'm doing pretty good. I actually read both books and EVEN annotated, that is a big deal for me. I have written one essay, but the other is nonexistent. So far. Enough about school.

Summer has be absolutely splendidly fantastic. I've played way to much lacrosse, ran lots of xc, learned more about myself, endless nights at the park, and more. I'm sitting here in my room, looking at my wall which is covered in pictures. They're all perfect snapshots of memories that bring a smile to my face whenever I need it. There's pictures of people who love me, who I love, and things I never want to forget. One that I recently just printed off is a picture of some of my very best friends at prom. I look at it and smile because we are all rather unconventional which makes me love them even more. This picture was taken to be sent to a man by the name of L Tom Perry. Are we all posing nicely? negative. I'm being typical me- mouth open laughing my head off. Kels is in the the front striking some ninja pose and everyone is just... themselves. That's what I love. This summer we've gone on adventures, had dress up parties, photo scavenged, spent more than enough time in the new Micheal's, pulled shenanigans, boated way to much, and made simply amazing memories. I live for summers. And while this may be the last summer of being a "child" ever, I'm perfectly content with how everything happened. I don't want it to end, but it must.. and that means goodbyes. I don't want to say goodbye to everyone. Only because I don't believe in goodbyes. Sadly there's this thing called college and it's eating all my friends. If you see it, I suggest you run away... and direct it back towards me to eat me too.

I'm sitting here musing over nothing and I realize how blessed I really am. One more year. I'm ready. It's not going to be a cakewalk, but I'll make it. I'm entering with confidence and excitement for what is yet to come. Who knows where I'll be in a year. I'm excited to find out & I'm looking forward to the adventure.


This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
- Regina Spektor

It's a long shot

Location: house. hallway. floor.

Listening to: Waking Ashland & Death Cab

Avoiding: waiting for something that isn't happening tonight

I'm being held back by bounds I can't control. Invisible chains. I want to be reckless, be free, be anything. I want to love like I never have before. I want to feel with such passion that I can't even see straight- that all I can do is smile.

bring it on senior year. bring it on.