spɹɐʍʞɔɐq pooʇsɹǝpun ʎןuo sı ǝɟıן

Location; the blissful sunshine on the floor of my room


Listening to; the temper trap. (could listen to them forever)


Avoiding; thoughts of school tomorrow, ie. chem, lang, calc...



yet, it must be lived forwards.

Third quarter just ended [thank heavens] I only have five more quarters of high school...weird... but awesome. I can't wait. All nostalgia aside, the past and future kind, I learned a lot this quarter. Not everything was a lesson I necessarily wanted, yet, I needed them. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do, as does everyone, but then you look back and see why. It's like in those movies when the protagonist finally understands why they lost their love. Or why everything fell into place the way it did. Those moments that pulled trigger, replayed in one giant montage in their haid. [this is when a pensive would be handy]

I love to watch people. According to some, I'm a slight creeper. But human interaction fascinates me. You can learn so much from someone just by watching them interact with others from a distance and then comparing it to how they interact with you. It's amazing how you can either spot inconsistincies, or see that they really are a genuine person just by watching and listening when you are with others. Baffels me really. Occasionally I really want to see inside someone elses head. I want to know what they are thinking. See how they understand the world. Just see how they go from one point to the next. That would be the coolest thing ever. Quite the learning tool.

. . . anyways. Occasionally we learn truths that are bitter, but no surprise. And those suck. Not going to lie. Especially when you already had an idea about it, but had so much hope for things to be the other way-- and when the person doesn't even have the guts to tell it to your face. Freak. I'd much rather hear it to my face, because then I know that I'm at least worth the truth. Meh, that's done. I can't change what people think about me. And at one point or another, you have to be okay with that- because it's high school; and high school is overrated. The only thing that I have to be satisfied with is to know that I did everything in my power to make things correct and be a good person. Others have to come and meet you somewhere. There is a point where you just gotta leave the olive branch there, and move on. It's not worth my time and energy anymore when I just keep getting slammed against walls. I'm gone. . . tangent. Apologies.

As for learning lessons--yeah, these are just random lessons I've learned. And want to share. Sorry for the jumpiness... maybe you'll find something you're looking for :)

For lax, our motto this year is a quote by Dan Green [neat guy, go read his books.] "Regardless of what came before or what has yet to come, what matters most right now is how i choose to respond to the challenge before me. Will I lie down or will I fight? The choice is MINE and i choose to FINISH STRONG!" Words to live by, not only in a game but in life. <3

Do things that make you happy. Document them in photos or writing, put them on your wall or somewhere you always look. So then when people do stupid things, you have something amazing to look back on.

Sometimes, we have to forget about how we feel, and remember what we deserve. Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well.

True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.

You never have to have a reason to smile, but you always have to have a reason to frown (thanks rach)

I read a book called looking for Alaska, by John green, go read it. Favorite book ever. The whole book is centered around the great question, "How will we ever get out of this labyrinth?". I love this quote, "Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. . . you spend your whole life stuck in this labyrinth, thinking how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining the future is what keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future as a means to escape the present." . . . the way out is to forgive.

In other news.
I'm starting in lax :D Wahooo! I'm glad all my hard work is finally paying off. It feels so good. And I love playing with the girls!

I love them. So much.

Also, I really hope I get asked to Prom [by someone that wouldn't be completley awk...] For now, we wait.

Digging Deeper

Location: The swivel chair in the office

Listening to: Foo Fighters and such

Avoiding: That's a good question. Homework? frustration? people? all of the above?


Oh today, today, today. It's been interesting. I've hit that point that I've been playing lacrosse so hard, staying up so late, and getting up so early (we're talking 4 hours of sleep...) I'm slightly past tired and on the verge of delusional. Cool.

I just drove the canyon way to fast, with the music way to loud, but it felt so good. I don't want to complain about being frustrated. I don't want to get angry at anyone. So driving is good, except road rage is bad. But I will say this about lax...

We have started games, and in Vegas we really gelled together. Tuesday we fought with all we had in some of the hardest elements to play the game in; pouring rain and slightly above freezing temperatures. We played with heart and came out on top. Today, people were lazy. For some reason I was started in Vegas-- and now for some reason I'm not. Not to say I'm not playing at all, I am in a lot... but I want to know why. I feel like I give it my all in practice everyday. I'm fighting so hard for that spot and they are giving it to some girl who is half ***ing it down the field. I just want to ask them what I need to do. They tell me to dig deep, and I am, I'm digging so deep. Giving it my all. Never giving up on a play. Playing with heart. Playing because I LOVE THE GAME. I don't know what else to focus on. It's like even though I'm playing good body, keeping on my toes, keeping the girl out from scoring, repossessing the ball, playing game speed all the time- even in practice it's not enough. Will it ever be enough? What will it take? How much harder am I going to have to fight? I'll just keep pushing.

In other news
I have the best leaders in the world. I may not always like my ward the best just because of the awkward situations of age. But I will say, I am beyond lucky, so blessed, to have some of the adults that I do in my life. I think they know who they are. I aspire to one day be like them, in my own way. I love them, I love them, I love them so so so much. Here is a word of wisdom that I got from one last night--- "You will always have good and bad days.... make the best of it while you are here.... it always seems more bleak anticipating the storm than it is once it gets here"--- yep, amazing.

I'm blessed. I know I am. Everything happens for a reason. I could go on, alas, I need to attempt to get my calculus score 8-10 points up. Love y'all' lots.

Nostalgia

Location: confines of my house

Listening to: (500) days of summer soundtrack

Avoiding: homework :P

This past week has been; BLAHHH. Everything has seemed to be backwards. So for a moment, I'm going to take my time on my little space of the interwebs to gripe. Perhaps, not about the issue, but what could fix it.

I need summer. Actually, my soul needs it.

There is not one thing that makes me happier in this world then being outside. Sunshine on my face. Sweet warmth of a summers sun. The gentle nudging of the grass on my skin. Pure innocence. Yeah, it's fantastic. Maybe it's the fact that there is no reservations to anyone or anything. I'm free. It's almost a cleansing. I'm stuck in this blind spot right now. You know, the one between fear and love. It's a bit complicated, however, I have some belief that it will work out. Summer will come. It always does, so why can't everything work out? Perhaps this summer I will gain a new found love. Maybe I'll find a new spot; find a new favorite band-- and go to some concerts. Perhaps, if I'm lucky.. people will come back around. And I know for a fact that I'll get to see Katie. Whom I miss dearly. [mac to my cheese].

If things could be like last summer I would be one happy girl. I know it's going to be different. I've accepted that. But no doubt I'm going to miss it. It's such a sweet disposition. Ending of a chapter... beginning of a new one... *sigh*... I guess I just want to be the one leaving this time. Next year. Next year. . . In the mean time I won't stop smiling. It's good for you-- I highly suggest trying it.

Lacrosse games start tomorrow :) At least now I'll have something to preoccupy me for the next 2.5 months. then prom. then the school year will be over in a snap.

side note: sometimes we expect more from others becuase we would be willing to do that much for them. Story of my life.

Come Away With Me.

Location: Living Room

Listening to: Norah Jones <3

Avoiding: the cold.

Observations- As I was driving down from my good friend Tyler's house the other night I was in the green car AKA Judith which I was also so fortunate to damage [slightly, just the bumper] about a month and a half ago. It was a mistake I made, but I did every thing in my power to make things right again. Anyways- Before the car was taken to the body shop there was this big chunk missing, exposing the tire, staring back mockingly every time I walked out the door. I hated myself for that.

Now, the car is fixed. I've moved on. However, I couldn't help but think how life is so much like that. It's funny how things fade. Time just seems to be an illusion. Moments are gone as quickly as the first one came. Cuts heal, dents reversed, scars fade, memories are burned into our minds, perfect moments relived. [Strange how we never appreciate them till later.] Living in love, remembering the warmth of a summers son on the coldest winters night. Feel the soft touch of someone we love when we're all alone. Escape to the memories, the ones that make us whole. Make us who we are. We choose what to remember.

In other news;

The winter soundtrack has been pretty sweet. Skiing. Being with people I love. Doing silly things (50 piece chicken nugget?) Lacrosse. Snowy days. I love watching it snow-- it's like the world is at peace. Nights of making dinner with friends. Just sitting and talking. Song writing. Hot Potts. The laughs, the tears, and the hugs. Everything has been so worth it. I've come closer to some, and have had to grow away from others, and even been reconnected. I've smiled. And I know with in a couple of months life as I know it will take an 180. I'm scared, but I'm excited-- for the new adventure that lies ahead. The new soundtrack.

Also,
500 days of summer = favorite movie of all time.

Nothing Worthwhile is Ever Easy

Location: Bedroom Floor

Listening to: Some CD they gave us in YW today.

Avoiding: AP Art History

This image was on post secret today. It stuck out to me. Partly because the simplicity, the serenity, and hopefulness of the secret.

The spring spoken of is both a metaphor and truth. Even though the things that have gone on in recent months have been so hard, felt so cold, so dark, so much like winter. However, I know I will be rewarded, some how. After all, as Thoreau said, "Nothing worthwhile is ever easy," it's all so worth it in the end. Things truthfully are looking up. Becoming more like "spring." I'm understanding more and more why I have been placed where I am. I'm having doors open up. It may not be what I imagined, but it never is. I'll just keep moving forward and hoping for the best.

Plus, everyone knows what spring means. Lacrosse season (: (yeah, I would.)

Strawberry-Banana

location: bed, hiding underneath my "fluffy"

listening to: new play list. not named yet, made all of 15 minutes ago.

avoiding: sleep...


This week, has been draining. Both emotionally and physically. However, it's times like these that I can take a step back and realize, and take note, of all those that actually love and care for me. Of course like any list, it changes, names are added, and even worse, names are crossed off. Yet, that just makes me even more grateful for all the people on that metaphorical list. . . like, my leaders. Sister Davis in particular; absolutely amazing. I hope to one day be as fantastic as she is in someones eyes. (: She really has helped me through a lot, taught me loads also. (especially that strawberry banana shakes fix anything) As for the physically; being emotionally drained also carries over to being physically drained. Although I feel so much better when I run, I am also running almost twice as hard to forget and make everything okay. Thus, exhaustion.

Blurb: When it comes to caring for people, I'm glad I don't ever stop caring, about anyone. Even though it causes pain at times, it's worth it in the end. Because Jesus said, "Love everyone." It doesn't mean you have to be friends (because it doesn't always work that way)

I also realised that "ski week" is in one week. After that we have six weeks till spring break. Then 8 weeks till the end of the school year. What? I'm never gonna be able to get everything done. It's going to be a miracle if I pull off Prom Assembly, Prom, AP testing, and Elections and don't die. Wish me luck!

Random thought from the other day:

I am a dork. One-hundred percent. Why? Here's some reasons: I got a calculator for Christmas. Our idea of being rebellious and illegal is sneaking into hotel pools. I do my homework. I take pride in my school. I do silly things with my friends. Spur of the moment. We sit on roofs. Talk about "MILA" all the time. we can make Harry Potter references and actually understand what the other person is talking about. We laugh and are our crazy selves in public. I don't need the approval of others. We do silly things all the time. Dinosaurs are awesome! we can play hide and seek and sardines and be entertained for hours. I quote Disney ALL the time. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I stand alone. I text adults. Socks are mittens for the feet. My favorites accessory is my "glasses". My mind just doesn't function completely normal all the time. I trip a little too much. I tel pointless stories. Enjoy going to church. Wild dance parties. Ninjas. Barfing love. I am LOUD. I smile all the time. The park is my favorite place ever. Exploring is super dandy. I use words like fantastic, legit, apporate in daily conversation. Stu Do is the best thing EVER. We can play with magnets for hours. Bees scare me silly. I want to be like Ellie from UP! Jam!! Bench of extreme convenience Tic-Tok. I want toe be a superhero. . .Point proven?

This could go on for quite awhile. Fact is I'm a nerd, dork, all the above. Whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love who I am. I love my life. And all those who are in it (because they love me for me, and I don't have to change for anyone.)

And, Approx 24 days to Vegas. Can't. Wait.

"Love everyone, Frazil" -KJ

Soooo, I've got, oh about 80 zillion things buzzing around in my noggin. From the abstract to the concrete. The awesome to the melancholy.

I have found it rather amusing that when I think, I step back and pretend my life is a movie. Replaying scenes. I, the commentary, am revealing the underlying plot. Really I think my life would make an excellent sitcom. Would likely end up like the Wonder Years or Malcom in the Middle. Everything wouldn't turn out so perfect but hey, I'm okay with that one.

Anywayysss. Some of the things that are floating around up in the ocean of my thoughts.

- How are we supposed to know when we're in love? How do we know we're ready? I think I am . . . I would like to be. But how do you knowwww he loves youuuu how do you knowww he cares? (sorry... enchanted tangent... :P) Perhaps it's like when we know something is true. We just know. It is just high school after all... but you can love someone right? Actually, yes. You can. I love all the boys that I hang out with because every single one is like a brother, okay maybe it's not that kind of "love" but every single one of those boys treats me to the highest potential that I can be. I suppose that they are teaching me what a man will treat me like. The qualities that I will love in my "dream man"

- I do realize that people make mistakes . . . and I may have been the perpetrator of some in the recent past. Although, I'm not exactly sure what I have done . . . If any of you read this, I know I have told you in person, but please just realize, I'm sorry. I'm human. Not perfect. I'm really trying though. I miss you all. Miss how it was. Please let me know it's all right.

-I'm not angry anymore. Just disappointed. Anger is a choice. I'm choosing not to be.

-I will not give up. I am strong.

- New motto. Good thing you have real friends (I love you chloe sumsion)

-Please, don't tell me I don't know what I want. I do. I want you to be happy.

-Perhaps you came into my life to help me repair some friendships . . . now that's done. It might mean loosing you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . as much as I don't want that.

-I'm surrounded by people that care for me. People I can always go to. No matter what. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Even if they aren't near. I do miss the far away ones terribly, but am so grateful to have the ones near that I do.

-I found out today that I will only be about $450 dollars out by the end of the month. . . as opposed to $2,500. Hollar.

-I will smile. Because I love to smile.

-Vegas in approx 41 days. Love my team.

Also, sundance started today. . . we know what that means! Crappy driving conditions, parking, poking fun at the tourists, famous people, roofs, and wait listing. Yep, I'm just that awesome. Kinda.