Strawberry-Banana

location: bed, hiding underneath my "fluffy"

listening to: new play list. not named yet, made all of 15 minutes ago.

avoiding: sleep...


This week, has been draining. Both emotionally and physically. However, it's times like these that I can take a step back and realize, and take note, of all those that actually love and care for me. Of course like any list, it changes, names are added, and even worse, names are crossed off. Yet, that just makes me even more grateful for all the people on that metaphorical list. . . like, my leaders. Sister Davis in particular; absolutely amazing. I hope to one day be as fantastic as she is in someones eyes. (: She really has helped me through a lot, taught me loads also. (especially that strawberry banana shakes fix anything) As for the physically; being emotionally drained also carries over to being physically drained. Although I feel so much better when I run, I am also running almost twice as hard to forget and make everything okay. Thus, exhaustion.

Blurb: When it comes to caring for people, I'm glad I don't ever stop caring, about anyone. Even though it causes pain at times, it's worth it in the end. Because Jesus said, "Love everyone." It doesn't mean you have to be friends (because it doesn't always work that way)

I also realised that "ski week" is in one week. After that we have six weeks till spring break. Then 8 weeks till the end of the school year. What? I'm never gonna be able to get everything done. It's going to be a miracle if I pull off Prom Assembly, Prom, AP testing, and Elections and don't die. Wish me luck!

Random thought from the other day:

I am a dork. One-hundred percent. Why? Here's some reasons: I got a calculator for Christmas. Our idea of being rebellious and illegal is sneaking into hotel pools. I do my homework. I take pride in my school. I do silly things with my friends. Spur of the moment. We sit on roofs. Talk about "MILA" all the time. we can make Harry Potter references and actually understand what the other person is talking about. We laugh and are our crazy selves in public. I don't need the approval of others. We do silly things all the time. Dinosaurs are awesome! we can play hide and seek and sardines and be entertained for hours. I quote Disney ALL the time. I laugh at myself. Sometimes I stand alone. I text adults. Socks are mittens for the feet. My favorites accessory is my "glasses". My mind just doesn't function completely normal all the time. I trip a little too much. I tel pointless stories. Enjoy going to church. Wild dance parties. Ninjas. Barfing love. I am LOUD. I smile all the time. The park is my favorite place ever. Exploring is super dandy. I use words like fantastic, legit, apporate in daily conversation. Stu Do is the best thing EVER. We can play with magnets for hours. Bees scare me silly. I want to be like Ellie from UP! Jam!! Bench of extreme convenience Tic-Tok. I want toe be a superhero. . .Point proven?

This could go on for quite awhile. Fact is I'm a nerd, dork, all the above. Whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love who I am. I love my life. And all those who are in it (because they love me for me, and I don't have to change for anyone.)

And, Approx 24 days to Vegas. Can't. Wait.

"Love everyone, Frazil" -KJ

Soooo, I've got, oh about 80 zillion things buzzing around in my noggin. From the abstract to the concrete. The awesome to the melancholy.

I have found it rather amusing that when I think, I step back and pretend my life is a movie. Replaying scenes. I, the commentary, am revealing the underlying plot. Really I think my life would make an excellent sitcom. Would likely end up like the Wonder Years or Malcom in the Middle. Everything wouldn't turn out so perfect but hey, I'm okay with that one.

Anywayysss. Some of the things that are floating around up in the ocean of my thoughts.

- How are we supposed to know when we're in love? How do we know we're ready? I think I am . . . I would like to be. But how do you knowwww he loves youuuu how do you knowww he cares? (sorry... enchanted tangent... :P) Perhaps it's like when we know something is true. We just know. It is just high school after all... but you can love someone right? Actually, yes. You can. I love all the boys that I hang out with because every single one is like a brother, okay maybe it's not that kind of "love" but every single one of those boys treats me to the highest potential that I can be. I suppose that they are teaching me what a man will treat me like. The qualities that I will love in my "dream man"

- I do realize that people make mistakes . . . and I may have been the perpetrator of some in the recent past. Although, I'm not exactly sure what I have done . . . If any of you read this, I know I have told you in person, but please just realize, I'm sorry. I'm human. Not perfect. I'm really trying though. I miss you all. Miss how it was. Please let me know it's all right.

-I'm not angry anymore. Just disappointed. Anger is a choice. I'm choosing not to be.

-I will not give up. I am strong.

- New motto. Good thing you have real friends (I love you chloe sumsion)

-Please, don't tell me I don't know what I want. I do. I want you to be happy.

-Perhaps you came into my life to help me repair some friendships . . . now that's done. It might mean loosing you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . as much as I don't want that.

-I'm surrounded by people that care for me. People I can always go to. No matter what. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Even if they aren't near. I do miss the far away ones terribly, but am so grateful to have the ones near that I do.

-I found out today that I will only be about $450 dollars out by the end of the month. . . as opposed to $2,500. Hollar.

-I will smile. Because I love to smile.

-Vegas in approx 41 days. Love my team.

Also, sundance started today. . . we know what that means! Crappy driving conditions, parking, poking fun at the tourists, famous people, roofs, and wait listing. Yep, I'm just that awesome. Kinda.

A few things

1) I would give anything to be 862 miles from here right now.

2) I wish he would hold me, and never let go.

3) vedera = the best publicly undiscovered, sarah discovered group i have EVER heard. go listen if you don't believe me.



"smile, like you've got nothing to prove. there's always someone cooler than you" -- courtesy of Ben folds.

I'd rather embark

I pose the question of which is harder, or on the contrary easier.... Leaving, or being left.


In my opinion it is much easier to be the one leaving than the one left. My reasoning is as such. If you are the one leaving, you have already accepted the fact that things are not going to be the same. In a relationship things have changed for you and there is little hurt to get over; if in a relationship you are the one being left it takes you by suprise. You wonder what could have been done differently? why is this happening? and it hurts. There is no fair warning. No mental preparation. Just a hammer coming down on glass.

Now the same goes for leaving a place or group of people. Yes, there are memories. Goodbyes are never fun. You miss people. Yet, there is a whole NEW adventure waiting for you. New people, places, activities, experiences. Everything is a rush to the senses. You still have those memories of the old, and yes, being new can be hard... with time you adjust and everything is hunky dori. I personally believe that when people move away they take a little bit of you with them. They don't know but they do. The worst part is that the person that has been left has to watch someone else have this magnificent change while their life stays relatively... dull. The person left behind has to see all the places where memories were made so often it's hard not to think about. Especially when you are in a small town. It's hard to just merge into a new group of friends. People know your past. They don't want to accept you. Either that or they demand change. It makes you miss the person who left even more.

I love Park City, don't get me wrong. It's a love hate relationship. So bittersweet. It's an amazing place, and has some opportunities that are out of this world. I'm so blessed to live somewhere so beautiful... and at the same time it's a little bit of a curse. You are determined who you are in about the 4th grade. Obviously I wasn't clued in... but I'm glad I was not. People grew up together. And it seems the more "original" you are... the more we hate each other... a sad, but true reality. People either stay true to themselves or morph into this collective blob of grayness to "fit in." Although I would miss certain aspects I just wish I could leave sometimes. Be the new person for once. Have a different adventure. Get out of this distorted bubble. My time will come... year and a half more.

That being said. I think next time I would rather be the one who leaves. not left behind... College is going to rock.

[insert title here]

I doubt you'll ever see this. So was it meant for you to read?

I believe in a lot of things.

I believe in love . . . . . . . and in arguing.

in jamming out to yourself in the car

I believe in having someone tell you you're beautiful.

in dancing in the rain. . . . . . and miracles

I believe in smiling till your cheeks hurt

and laughing till you cry.

I believe in God.

I believe in crying.

in second chances and

that kindness can change people.

I believe in being happy.

I BELIEVE IN YOU.

as a human being.

I believe you have the capability to love beyond anything in this world.

I believe I'll always look for that ONE reason to fight for you.

that as much as I may hate you. . . . . . . . . I love you with every fiber in my being.

This, I believe.

---------------

I think, and i speak in quotes and analogies. Often they fail, but every once in a while something brilliant comes out... so we write these things down...

Observations: Boys complain about girls. Boys think girls are so complicated. Their problem? They’re looking for a general rule. “What makes girls happy? What do girls like?” Since we’re all the same. Since we all want the same things. Since that isn’t generalizing or anything.

What they are missing is the “thought that counts” perspective.

From what I’ve observed, girls are NOT difficult to figure out.

Most of the time, we want one thing: to feel loved.

Now, I understand, this is very complex, but not complicated. The reason it’s complex is because it is different for every single girl.

• Some girls hate pink. If you give her pink and she freaks out, is she complicated? No! She’s just pissed you didn’t take the time to figure out what she likes.
• Some girls want to feel like they are your little slice of heaven. The second she feels like you are using her for make-out sessions on the weekends, she’s gone.
• Some girls just want those make out sessions. These girls are also dumber than a bag of hammers and you shouldn’t be chasing them anyway.
• Some girls would love to be kissed, but would love even more to have you hold them in your arms and talk. It may be worth your while.
• Some girls have had a hard past and want to work through things together. If you cross the line-even just a kiss on the forehead, she’ll tell you she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
• Some girls want expensive things. Some girls don’t like presents, except for when they come from the heart.
• Some girls want a guy to wait on her hand and foot. Some girls freak if you open the door for them.

It doesn’t mean we’re crazy particular. It means we have a personality. If you really love us, take the time to get to know us.

(props to chole for helping with this one...)

----------------

a new years kiss? a new years kiss? yeah, like i'll ever get one of those...

Marvelous Monday

I just saw Bowen in Park City and got the chance to talk to him for about an hour! Yeahhh. so great. I miss him a lot, it was really great to see him, made my Monday... actually made my month. Absolutely fantastic :)

He asked me how things were going... and you know what, I can't complain. Honestly. I mean, I could... but whats the point. I have great friends. Good grades. A Place to live. My family. My sport. And I'm glad for that. Last year was, well, traumatic. As I sat there talking to him, I realized something.

I've stopped caring so much.

Not completely, there are some things that require caring about, others don't require as much. Especially if they are beyond my control. It's funny how my life is like a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs and crazy turns along the way, It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight, you can't really smile until you've shed some tears, I could die today or I might live on years, I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautiful life. I'm glad to be smiling. I'm actually happy too. And for the first time in a while, I can say that I am truthfully happy with where I'm at. It may not be all that I imagined, but I'm glad it didn't turn out that way.

Here to Learn

Lately, it feels like everyone has been so disconnected. Seems like all my friends are taking on the world all by themselves. It's scary.

We all have our problems but maybe we are supposed to help each other out. I never thought it would end up like this... it's weird how God knows what's best for us... and how he gives it to us. Just crazy. But it's as if we were all put here, now, to help each other. Chloe and I keep each others heads screwed on straight. Maybe I was supposed to go through the crap I did last year to help Rachel out. Maybe Tyler had to hate me [for him and I] to realize just how much I care. Maybe John had to get in an accident with Chloe to stop him from a bigger one. Maybe I was put in the seminary class I am to help someone out. Maybe Camden had to move to learn a lesson, and teach me one. Maybe the reason I'm still friends with some people is because we still have lessons to teach each other. Maybe Kelsee has to let go of something she loves- for something even better. Maybe I need to do the same...

It's funny how "the group" came together. The people I hang out with are some of the finest people I know and love. They truly strengthen and help me. We help each other. Every single person makes me smile in their own way. It's absolutely amazing to know them. All are like Christ in their own way. and you know what? I think together we will make it. Each of us were put her for a reason because everything happens for a reason.

I try to live in love. Smile. Let Christ's light shine through. I know that we have the hard times where we can barley hang on so we know how strong we really are. This life is for learning and I know the people that are in my life are there for me, and I am there for them.

There's things you need to hear
so turn off your tears
and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no it wont all go the way it should
but I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothin' new
bad news never had good timing
then the circle of your friends
will defend the silver lining